


The Murder of Kenny McCormick

by itslikeorange



Series: The Losers and Gays [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Cop Craig, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, He's Still Putting Up With Everyone's Shit, Karaoke, Kinda BAMF Kyle, M/M, Murder Mystery, POV Craig Tucker, Poor Craig, Supernatural Elements, Temporary Character Death, lil bit of smut, twist - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2018-10-22 14:06:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10698582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itslikeorange/pseuds/itslikeorange
Summary: Kenny McCormick has been brutally murdered and Eric Cartman is suspect number one in what appears to be an open and shut case. The problem is, Cartman says he didn’t do it and even stranger still, that Kenny isn’t dead at all. With the evidence mounting up and Kyle running wild in a race to prove his boyfriend’s innocence, Craig is caught in a choice between duty and friendship.Thank god he has Tweek. Now if they could only get past first base…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is in the same universe as Broflovski's Home for Losers and Gays - you don't have to have read that one for this to make sense but I'm kindve assuming you have and diving straight in!
> 
> Trigger warnings: Usual SP deal, some smut (gasp!) and descriptions of violence.

‘So you say the coyote was how big Mrs Jenkins?’

‘It wasn’t a coyote. Weren’t you listening?’ Mrs Jenkins scolds, shaking her head. The disapproving expression looking out of place on the sweet old lady’s face. ‘It was bigger.’

‘So like a wolf?’ I offer, looking up from my notepad to find the scowl still in place, the wrinkles on her face deepening.

‘No, not like a wolf. We’ve just been through this. It was a massive black thing with glowing red eyes. Like in that Sherlock Holmes story, the Baskerville one. You know, a hound.’

‘A hound.’ I repeat deadpan and she huffs.

I groan internally and wish for the millionth time that my partner, Coppin was here. He’s actually good at dealing with the public. God knows why I thought it was a good idea to volunteer to come here in his place. The poor guy was elbow deep in reports at the station so when the call from Mrs Jenkins came in saying something had attacked her chickens in the night, I said I’d take it to help him out, get some good karma, you know? But now I’m stood in an old fashioned kitchen that looks like it belongs in a Victoria sponge cake commercial, squaring off against a little old lady who should be offering me tea and crumpets and instead is looking at me like she’d like to mash me over the head with her rolling pin and serve my insides up as jam with her scones.

‘That is what I said. A hound broke into my chicken coop, tore through the wire and ate my poor birds. My eyesight may not be what it used to be but I know what I saw. If you’re not going to take me seriously then I will call that Cartman boy back. He had the manners enough not to treat me like a crazy old bat. A gentleman he was, not like policeman today. You could take some pointers from him, young man!’

Fuck karma. What the hell did I do in a past life to deserve this?

‘I assure you, Mrs Jenkins. I am taking this very seriously, I just want to get all the facts straight.’ I hurriedly placate her. The last thing I need is Cartman to show up here with his smug, fat face and take over. It’s interesting he’s been here before though. That alone indicates that there probably is some massive, bloodthirsty, slobbering hound running around South Park. I’ll have to ask Kyle about it when I get home.

I sigh. Seriously, what did I do?

I leave Mrs Jenkins with more assurances of my complete dedication to her case, pretty sure that she’s going to call Cartman as soon as the kitsch screen door hits my ass.

Whatever. Least I know he’s busy tonight. It’s Kyle’s birthday and the thought of winding down with a few drinks to celebrate is the only thing that keeps me going on the rest of my shift.

Of course, with Cartman it’s nothing so quiet.

We end up at a karaoke bar. Cartman had bought Kyle tickets to the Computer and Robotics Museum as his gift, then pointed out that ‘you can’t take all your friends to a lame ass museum, Kyle’ and dragged everyone here.

Not that anyone minded really. If it’s one thing Cartman’s good at, it’s throwing a party. He’s hired a booth in the bar, complete with balloons, beer and an endless supply of chicken wings.

There’s even a birthday cake and despite the ‘Happy Birthday Jew’ frosting and Cartman’s protests that a reduced sugar cake is against nature, I’m faintly impressed.

That was until I realised that it was one of those karaoke joints where there’s only one stage so you have to get up and make a complete jack ass of yourself in front of the whole room.

Cartman of course, is his element. I mean, by our age he’s got making a spectacle out of himself down to an art. And after the truly sacrilegious butchering of ‘My Way’ by two drunk businessmen, the rest of us figured we could hardly do worse.

Butters is first up. He has a pretty good voice and does a rather sweet rendition of ‘You’re the Inspiration’ which is totally at odds with his next choice of ‘Smack my Bitch Up’.

That boy scares me sometimes.

Ike does an extremely dodgy cover of ‘Are you Lonesome Tonight?’ whilst making eyes at Red. Personally I think Jailhouse Rock would have been more appropriate, with emphasis on the ‘jailbait’ aspect but gotta give the boy points for trying.

Kenny’s sister, Karen, is next up but chickens out, shaking her head emphatically. She’s a dainty little thing with a pretty face that’s usually hidden by a curtain of long, light brown hair. Growing up around a bunch of guys has brought her out of her shell but she’s still kind’ve shy.

The night doesn’t really get going though until Cartman and Kyle’s near battle doing ‘Dead Ringer for Love’, ramping up the rock and roll atmosphere along with the sexual tension in the room. They disappear for the next couple of songs and no one has the stomach to question where they’ve got to.

The businessmen take this as an opportunity to retake the stage. We’ve inadvertently ended up in some kind of karaoke-off with their table and they’re taking the challenge very seriously. I’m not worried. We’ve got Cartman and Butters. Those suits won’t know what hit them.

‘Isn’t that Clyde?’ Butters says suddenly. We all turn to look and sure enough, our old class mate is suited and booted up on stage, massacring ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ with the rest of his colleagues, who are evidently out on an office bender.

‘I thought he married Patty and moved up-sstate?’ Tweek says, craning his neck to see.

‘He did. Then she had an affair with a painter and they ran away together to Florence.’ Kyle slides back into the booth just in time to inform us, looking only slightly dishevelled. Of course, with that crazy mop of curls, it’s kinda hard to tell.

‘No way.’ Cartman scoffs, plonking himself down next to him.

‘They did! Stan told me. Wendy and Patty are still in touch.’ Kyle shoots back.

‘Well if the Hippie said it, it must be true.’ Cartman rolls his eyes and Kyle scowls. Wow, that was a short afterglow.

‘Just because Stan said it doesn’t mean it’s not true.’

‘Kyle’s right. Bebe heard it from Nichole. She had a bun in the oven and everything.’ Red confirms, Queen of Gossip as ever. ‘Have you been invited to Nichole and Token’s wedding?’

‘No. I haven’t seen Token in years.’ Kyle shakes his head.

‘Pfff, I can’t believe those ungrateful douches didn’t send me an invite. How can you not invite the matchmaker to a wedding? They should be giving a speech thanking me for the long years of marital bliss ahead!’ Cartman whinges emphatically.

‘Thatsnot how I remember it!’ Tweek protests, wide eyed.

‘Yeh, pretty sure the only wedded bliss you were thinking of was your own.’ Red says with a smirk.

‘Hey, I can’t help it if I have an eye for this kind’ve thing. I knew they were meant to be together and I knew Kyle was meant to be with me. Two lovebirds, one stone.’ Cartman’s hard done by expression turns smug.

‘Oh don’t start that. You were just being a racist asshole and I got caught in the fallout, as per usual.’ Kyle objects, rolling his eyes. ‘They don’t want you at the wedding because of that crazy campaign you went on to get them elected King and Queen of Prom over Stan and Wendy.’

‘Gee, it seems like everyone we went to school with is getting married.’ Butters sighs, leaning his elbow on the table and cradling his face in one hand.

‘Yeh careful you g-guys, you’ll be next.’ Tweek says slyly and Cartman chokes on his beer.

‘What the fuckin’ aye Tweek?’ He croaks as Kenny barks out a laugh.

Kyle scowls. ‘Jeez, take it easy. That wasn’t a proposal.’

‘Aw, honey. Doesn’t sound like you’re gonna be walking down the aisle anytime soon.’ Red pouts mockingly at Kyle.

‘It’s more likely to be held in the pirate room at Casa Bonita.’ I comment dryly.

‘Ey!’ Cartman glares at me. ‘IF, and that’s a big IF because we have no plans or anything, we get married, it will be a romantic and tasteful affair and _you_ won’t be invited, Tucker.’

‘Aw, sucks to be me.’ I deadpan.

‘Don’t ban people from our hypothetical wedding, Cartman.’ Kyle scolds. ‘I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. You don’t even _want_ to get married.’

‘I never said that.’ Cartman protests.

‘Yes. Yes you did. On numerous occasions.’

‘But you want to.’ Cartman counters and there’s something so earnest in his look that it makes me pause with my drink halfway to my mouth. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he looked unsure.

Kyle is thrown for a moment but is saved by Ike butting in.

‘Please get engaged. It will buy me at least 2 years while Mom’s planning your wedding.’ He turns his puppy dog eyes up to full wattage in an expression he could only have learned from Cartman.

‘Oh my God, you’re gonna be Jewish!’ Kenny crows in sudden realisation, throwing his head back with a laugh. Cartman glares at him and Kenny yelps as what I can only assume is Cartman’s foot connects with his shin.

‘Judaism is passed down on the Mother’s side actually.’ Kyle corrects tartly. ‘And anyway, you know Mom is still obsessed with having grandchildren,’ he adds, turning back to Ike, ‘so you’ll just have to find another diversionary tactic, baby brother.’

Ike groans and puts his head on the table, yanking it back up almost immediately when he face plants straight in a puddle of spilt beer.

‘Oh fuck, your Mother...’ Cartman leans back and passes his hand over his face, ‘is a wonderful human being.’ He finishes at Kyle’s warning look.

‘You’re having Red as your bridesmaid though right? I take my best man’s duties very seriously and I would be honoured to be at this fine lady’s disposal on the happy day. I’m all about tradition.’ Kenny leans forward, with a wolfish smile.

‘Keep dreaming, McCormick.’ Red snorts.

‘Oh I do, frequently.’ Kenny answers with a wink.

‘Why do you assume I would be the bride?’ Kyle asks hotly.

‘Because you’re the pretty one.’ Kenny quips. ‘No offence man.’ He adds to Cartman.

‘Why does Kenny get to be best man?’ Butters pipes up, looking hurt. ‘I mean, me and Eric have been friends a long time too.’

‘You can be the Maid of Honour, Butters.’ Cartman says, waving a hand.

‘Oh gee, thanks Eric!’ Butters chirps, face lighting up.

‘Can you all stop? We are not getting married!’ Kyle snaps, starting to get irritated. For just a second a flash of hurt crosses Cartman’s face before it’s overtaken by a scoff.

‘Jesus, Jew. Don’t get your panties in a twist, we’re only messing around. I’ll need another beer if you’re gonna be on your period all night.’ He adds, necking his drink and standing. Kenny does the same and I see him join Cartman at the bar.

Kenny puts a hand on Cartman’s shoulder, who turns his head away and they’re still deep in conversation even after their drinks have been served. I’m guessing Kyle’s comments hit a nerve. Cartman can be weird like that sometimes, I can never tell what’s going to upset him.

Kyle is still stinging from Cartman’s parting shot when they return and it’s not until about 20 mins later and another beer that they’ve recovered their equilibrium and are acting normal again.

Unfortunately that’s when Clyde stumbles over.

‘Hey! It’s like a school reunion! Didn’t know you guys came here.’ He grins, swaying slightly. He’s half cut, his tie hanging loose around his neck. His top few buttons are undone giving us a view of a pale hairless chest.

‘Hey Clyde.’ Comes the disjointed reply from our table.

‘How you been, Clyde?’ It falls to Butters to ask. Me and Kenny still have a habit of clamming up in front of people we don’t know well, Kyle and Red are at the bar and Tweek tends to get flustered making small talk. Karen and Ike just look vaguely interested.

‘Not bad, not bad.’ He answers, bobbing his head. ‘You guys going for the free drinks?’

‘Oh, well... We hadn’t really thought about it.’ Butters says, looking round unsurely.

Whichever table the barman judges the best at karaoke gets a free round of drinks. I hadn’t really thought about it either but I would have bet we’d be in the running for it, if not out front.

‘Well, I just came over to tell you not to get your hopes up. We come here every week and we pretty much always win.’ Clyde’s grin turns smug.

A noise which could have been a laugh or a snort comes out of Cartman and Clyde’s head whips round to his formerly unnoticed ex-classmate, causing him to sway again. His eyes narrow.

‘Eric fucking Cartman.’

It’s surprising how many people address Cartman like that. I’ve actually started to wonder if people think it’s his middle name.

‘Sup Clyde? ’ Cartman answers coolly.

‘I thought that was you up there before. Guessed you were on your own though. I’d have thought these guys would have ditched your ass by now.’

‘Maybe your wife can give them some tips. I heard she ditched your ass pretty good.’ Cartman quips back and Clyde’s face flushes red.

‘Like you’re one to talk. Are you still pining after Broflovski? Pulling his pigtails and trying desperately to get his attention? Kyle! Kyle!’ Clyde does a pretty accurate, if cruel, imitation of Cartman’s voice as a kid. ‘God, it was embarrassing watching you obsess over him. As if Kyle would have ever gone for a psycho like you.’

I wince and feel Tweek starting to shake beside me as we wait for Cartman’s response.

But for once, Cartman is speechless. He’s usually fast on the comeback but I think coming off the back of the marriage discussion earlier, Clyde’s barbs have cut deeper than usual.

When he relaxes and smirks, I’m expecting a diatribe of evisceration that only the likes of Cartman’s twisted mind can think up, but instead he just leans forward, resting his head on one hand on the table and batting his eyelashes up at Clyde.

‘Do go on Clyde and tell me more about myself. This is a total revelation to me. It’s like my eyes have finally been opened.’ He says, sweetly.

I blink and wonder for a moment what he’s up to. It’s then I notice Kyle stood behind Clyde.

‘Fuck, you’re even crazier than I remember.’ Clyde huffs in disbelief.

‘And you’re even more of a fuckturd.’

It’s almost funny the way Clyde’s eyes widen as he whirls round, almost stumbling in his haste.

‘Kyle! How you doing, dude?’ He says, his voice unnaturally high.

‘Pretty pissed actually, in both senses of the word.’ Kyle answers, crossing his arms. ‘That was a pretty douchey speech you just gave there and I think you owe my boyfriend an apology.’

‘No way.’ Clyde scoffs in disbelief, either too drunk or too stupid to heed the warning signs. ‘You two are actually fucking?!’

‘Yes. Frequently and enthusiastically.’ Kyle responds, tilting his head and flashing teeth.

‘Fuck me, I never would have had you pegged for a chubby chaser, Kyle. What the fuck do you see in him?’ Clyde cringes in disgust. ‘Urgh, I know that options are limited in South Park but Jesus Christ! He’s a fucking loser!’

‘Argh!’

Kyle launches himself at Clyde. Kenny leaping out of his seat a fraction too late to catch Kyle’s fist as he swings it at Clyde’s cheek. Clyde yelps as it connects, grabbing at Kyle’s shirt and they both crash to the floor. Everyone is on their feet by now, the other patron’s screams of surprise mingling with our group’s shouts and Cartman’s gleeful laughter.

‘Oh Jesus!’ Tweek moans, shoving both his sleeve covered fists into his mouth and I know I have to stop this before Tweek dissolves into a full anxiety attack or we get thrown out.

In the end it takes both me and Kenny to lift Kyle off of Clyde. Kyle snarls and fights us like a wildcat trying to get free but I use my height to my advantage to get both my arms clamped around him.

Clyde, meanwhile, is quickly being pulled to his feet by his co-workers, who run over to drag him away. He still has enough breath left in him to shout ‘fucking asshole!’ though, whilst clutching at his split lip.

Kyle lunges forward again but not violent enough to twist free and I know he’s calming down. Despite his smaller stature, I’ve seen Kyle throw Cartman off when in a rage and I know if he put his mind to it, it wouldn’t take much for him to break out of my hold.

Once the other group has gone Kyle takes a few deep breaths and I loosen my arms, allowing him to shrug them off. He turns to Cartman who growls, ‘that was so fucking hot,’ before yanking Kyle in for a searing kiss.

‘He’s a fucking douchbag.’ Kyle insists when they pull back, one hand still wrapped around the back of Cartman’s neck.

‘Pfuh, yeh.’ Cartman shrugs but his shoulders relax when Kyle pushes up onto his toes for another kiss.

‘That was fucking insane, bro.’ Ike grins when they pull apart again.

‘I do bring out his Jersey side.’ Cartman boasts. ‘My little monster.’ He coos at Kyle and Kyle bats his hand away with an embarrassed huff, stepping back.

‘Gee, are you alright Kyle?’ Butters asks.

‘We’d better get some ice on those knuckles.’ Karen says, inspecting the damage.

‘I’llgogetsome.’ Tweek volunteers, his relief evident. He shoots off towards the bar and returns with come ice wrapped in a napkin, which Kyle wraps around his hand.

Cartman and Kyle take a break from singing for a while, content to sit with Kyle in Cartman’s lap and watch the others take their turns. Kyle doesn’t normally do that sort’ve thing – PDA is more Cartman’s department. But I get the impression that Cartman needs it right now, even if he would never admit it.

We get a couple more songs in, kicking the businessmen’s asses musically if not physically after that. They keep to their table for the rest of the night, booing whenever one of us takes the stage, which only makes the rest of us lounder. After that, it’s pretty much a shoe in that we’d win.

Kenny, Cartman and Kyle go up to collect the mishappen lump of metal that passes for the trophy. I’m not sure if it’s the drink talking, but the sight of the childhood friends up on the stage with their arms slung around each other, alternatively cheering and flipping off Clyde’s table, makes me feel all fuzzy inside. Not that I would ever admit that out loud. I think Tweek guessed though, or just feels the same way. He leans over to kiss me and I sling an arm around his shoulders while the rest of the table holler and whistle around us.

We’re at the bar until closing and I find myself walking home hand in hand with Tweek, feeling dopily content. Ike and Kenny are up ahead locked in a piggy back race. Karen is shrieking from Ike’s back as he runs full tilt along the street, still managing to find the breath to taunt Kenny, who is huffing along with Red’s long legs dangling either side of him, her stilettos clasped in one hand. Butters trots along after them wringing his hands and begging them to be careful.

‘Come on Kenny! I got 10 bucks on you. Haul that scrawny, white ass!’ Cartman bellows, earning a middle finger. Cartman is barely buzzed. He says it’s one of the perks of being ‘big boned’ but he never actually drinks that much and I think it may have more to do with his control issues than his size.

‘You’re the cure, you’re the pain, you’re the only one I wanna touch. Never knew that it could mean so much!’ Kyle’s voice suddenly rises into the night.

Oh my god. I don’t think I’ve seen Kyle this pissed in a long while. Pissed enough to sing at any rate. He will be absolutely mortified in the morning but it’s totally worth it right now to see the tables turned on Cartman, who’s cheeks are bright red as he tries to shush the red head practically draped off his arm. If anything it spurs Kyle on and he wraps his arms around Cartman’s neck.

‘You’re the fear, I don’t care coz I’ve never been so high!’ Kyle continues at the top of his voice, swinging from side to side to the rhythm of the tune in his head with a dopey grin. That or he’s just drunkenly weaving.

‘No. Just no, Jew. I will not be affiliated with that film.’

Me and Tweek exchange grins. Kenny once joked that Cartman and Kyle were like Christian and Anna from Fifty Shades of Grey, with the innocent Kyle being corrupted by the fucked up magnate, Cartman. Both objected strenuously to this, even more so when they actually watched the film. Kenny almost pissed himself laughing at their outrage and I learnt more than I wanted to know about their relationship when Cartman mused; ‘That’s some pretty nice equipment though.’ At which Kyle turned to him.

‘If you think you’re coming near me with a flogger, you can think again.’ He retorted emphatically.

‘No shit, Jew. Your delicate girl skin would probably bruise no matter how I handled it.’

‘My skin is not girly!’ Kyle snapped, as if that was the only thing wrong with that statement.

In any case, it became a running joke for a while and evidently still is if Cartman’s face is anything to go by.

‘Only you can set my heart on fire!’ Kyle sings, holding on more tightly as Cartman exasperatedly tries to prise Kyle’s arms from around his neck even as he huffs a laugh at Kyle’s mischievous expression.

Cartman’s face softens into a genuine smile as Kyle puts his hands either side of Cartman’s face, capturing is eyes and softening his voice as he sings now with an almost earnest look.

I leave them to it, registering the change in mood. Me and Tweek walk on, leaving them stood on the sidewalk swaying side to side in each other’s arms. They’ll catch us up. And sure enough, as we round the corner they reappear, Cartman’s cheeks still flushed and Kyle sporting a smug grin.

Kenny chivalrously volunteers to take Red home and despite Cartman’s warning to ‘make him dip it in bleach first’ she agrees, much to Ike’s disgust, and he sulks all the way to his house.

We finally reach our flat, stumbling up the steps. Kyle produces keys because even completely trashed, he’s the responsible one. Getting them in the lock is a slightly different matter but after a bit of help, a lot of shushing and a ‘get out of the way, I got it dude!’ we’re finally inside.

Butters bids us a cheery goodnight and ducks into his room. Cartman is a bit more verbose in his, and Kyle eventually takes matters in to his own hands and bodily pushes Cartman into their room.

‘Come on, I’ve still got some birthday cake left.’ He cajoles.

‘But I didn’t bring my fork.’ Cartman pouts seductively.

‘Happy birthday to me.’ Kyle responds a little breathlessly, winding a hand around the back of Cartman’s neck to pull him down.

‘Heh, you dirty Jew….’

The door slams, mercifully cutting off their dialogue. Even through the shut door I can hear the rise and fall of their voices interspersed with inebriated laughter and I know that tonight is going to be a headphones night.

I sigh, following Tweek into our room and getting ready for bed.

Now before you ask, me and Tweek are going good. Really good actually. We’ve been spending time again together, not that we ever really stopped. We’ve always been best friends, but now I get to hold his hand and call him my boyfriend and not be worried he’s going to read too much into it.

And that’s actually kind’ve the problem. We’ve spent so many years holding back how we feel about each other, that now we’re free to do the things we want to do we have no idea how. We’ve both built it up in our heads and now I just break out in a cold sweat as soon as he touches me. I comfort myself that it makes sense. I mean, were basically attempting the unthinkable and trying to break out of the friendzone. It’s gonna take some time to get out of that head space.

And don’t get me wrong I totally want to. Tweek’s cute and funny, and I get hard just imagining putting my hands on him. It’s just really difficult to get past the whole friend thing, especially when someone else’s sex life is shoved right in your face.

To be honest, we probably should have known something was up as soon as we walked through the door. It was a couple of week’s after Kyle’s birthday and Me and Tweek had returned early from our date. We were meant to be seeing a movie but the meal before took so long to come that we ended up missing the beginning and decided to cut the night short and just come home.

The first indication was Cartman’s jacket and the pair of jeans on the hallway floor. I didn’t think much of it at the time but I realised afterwards how phenomenally stupid that was of me. Kyle, our self-elected Mom, always picks up after himself (and everyone else if they let him) but like I said, I was feeling particularly stupid, and possibly slightly high from all the endorphins of a great night out with my boyfriend, and so me and Tweek wondered unknowingly into the living room and were confronted with a sight that no amount of brain bleach could ever scrub from our minds.

Cartman was sat on the couch. Innocent enough you might think, except for his hands grasping the hips of the practically naked redhead currently straddling him. Whilst Cartman it seems, had managed to retain most of his clothes (thank fuck for small mercies) making do with having shoved his jeans down to his knees, Kyle had managed to lose all of his except for his shirt, which was hanging open off his shoulders, bunching around his arms as he held onto Cartman and rode him for dear life.

Now I’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit in my lifetime; invasions of killer guinea pigs, 10 tonne metal celebrities on the rampage, Mr Garrison, but I have never been so disturbed by the sight in front of me that I’ve actually been struck dumb. I was like a rabbit caught in headlights… if said rabbit had just caught one of his best friends and his boyfriend fucking on his couch.

There was something hypnotic about the way Kyle rolled his hips. He let out a loud moan as Cartman’s hands ran down his back to squeeze his ass before he leant forward to mouth at a nipple, working his way up to capture Kyle’s mouth. Kyle let out another moan and shoved one of his hands into Cartman’s hair, grasping at the strands as they made out fiercely, Kyle’s hips never faltering in their movements.

A hot flush of arousal jerks me out of my stupor and I was all for slinking out and hiding in our bedroom, preferably until the end of time, when Tweek put paid to that idea.

‘Oh Jesus!’ He squeaks, hands flying up to cover his eyes.

Kyle leaps off Cartman so fast he almost goes flying off the end of the couch.

‘What the fuck Kyle, you almost tore my dick off!’ Cartman abruptly stops talking as he follows Kyle’s wild eyes to the two people stood in the doorway. ‘Goddammit!’ He shouts, quickly pulling up his pants as Kyle scrambles for a cushion to cover his modesty. With all the disturbing bits covered, I’m able to gather my wits.

‘On our couch, seriously?’ I say, hitching an eyebrow.

‘You said you weren’t going to be back until later!’ Kyle exclaims, still working to pull his shirt up over his shoulders, face flaming as red as his hair.

‘Oh well I’m so sorry, gah! Should we go back out?’ I would have laughed at Tweek’s sarcasm if I wasn’t so mortified by the whole thing.

‘Pfuh, as if you never did it on the couch.’ Cartman scoffs, running his fingers through his hair in a fruitless attempt to try to tidy it. ‘I bet you’ve fucked on every surface in this place since you got back together, you dirty fuckers.’

I don’t know what to say. For the second time that evening I’m struck dumb. I can’t say no, I’ll never hear the end of it. But I can’t lie either…

I hesitate too long and Cartman, the fuck, sees immediately.

‘You haven’t have you?’ He says, face lighting up with glee the way it does when he’s found out some juicy blackmail material. ‘What the fuck have you been doing? Braiding each others hair and writing love poetry?’

‘Cartman!’ Kyle chastises, uncurling a leg to kick at him.

‘That’s none of your business.’ I snap. Every cell of my body is aware of Tweek looking at me. This actually couldn’t get anymore excruciating. It’s like someone tapped into my brain and dug out my worst nightmare and then ran it like a movie for all to see.

‘Sorry guys. We just had a bit of a near miss and kinda got carried away.’ Kyle offers apologetically. It was then I notice the scratches on Cartman’s arms and hands. I’d ask, but I know I’d get some bullshit story about brambles or some shit. Cartman can never seem to get past the fact that I’m a cop.

‘Yeh and you douches interrupted our life affirming sex so you wanna make like a tree or what?’ Cartman waves his hand, expectantly.

My face morphs into disbelief but Kyle beats me to it.

‘Mood’s dead, Eric. I’m going for a shower and then we’re gonna take a look at those cuts.’

‘Oh you have gotta be kidding me, Kyle!’ He whines.

‘Guys, would you mind?’ Kyle shifts and flushes again. I have to fight a blush myself as I get his meaning and me and Tweek turn to leave to give him some privacy.

Cartman throws himself up off the couch. ‘Jesus Tucker, just because you’ve got blue balls doesn’t mean you have to make the rest of us suffer.’ He mutters as he stalks past me.

\------------

The next few days are weird as fuck.

Kyle is avoiding me, that much is clear. Whenever me or Tweek see him it’s awkward as hell and if I’m not picturing walking in on him and Cartman fucking, him flushing red whenever I see him makes me think that he is, then I know we’re both thinking about it and… just… Jesus Christ.

Cartman finds the whole thing hilarious of course and has taken to singing Gloria Estefan whenever he sees me and Tweek. If I hear one more rendition of ‘We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time’, I’m gonna punch him in his cheery 80s grooving face.

Things between me and Tweek haven’t exactly been plain sailing either. Like we were sitting on our bed kissing the other night and he slid his hand up my thigh to my crotch and I nearly jumped out of my skin. It wasn’t that I wasn’t into it, I was just shocked that he had had the balls to actually do it. Of course, he took it the wrong way and started freaking out and apologising, even though I told him I was cool with it. After that the mood was kinda dead.

Things came to a head a couple of days later when I finally persuaded Tweek to try again and despite my sweaty palms and my heart racing, things were actually going well… and that’s when I moved my knee straight into his balls.

As I’m stammering apologies to my doubled over boyfriend, clutching his nuts, I have to concede that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and it’s high time I actually talked to someone who did. For the good of both my sanity _and_ my boyfriend’s balls.

The next evening, I take the opportunity of both Butters and Tweek being out at work and collar Kyle in the living room. He and Cartman have been playing Resident Evil for almost 7 hours straight. Cartman is on a level ‘5’ today, which means it’s best for him (and the rest of the town) if he doesn’t leave the house. To be fair, he hasn’t had too many of those days lately, possibly why property prices in the area have started to go up again.

‘Ha! Take that you undead motherfuckers!’ Cartman cries gleefully as his character lobs a grenade straight at some freaky tentacle headed creep.

‘Watch it Fatass! That took like half my health!’ Kyle shouts, frantically button bashing to use a health pack.

‘Well get out the way then, Jew. Should’ve known you’d side with the zombies, you soulless daywalker. They’d probably make you their leader or something.’

Kyle growls and swings his sniper gun round to fire a round off into Cartman’s character’s leg.

‘EY!’ Cartman shouts in outrage as Kyle sniggers to himself. I decide it’s time to step in before Cartman has time to retaliate.

‘Kyle? Can I talk to you?’ I interrupt.

‘Sure.’ He looks at me questioningly. A pink tinge comes to his cheeks but at least he’s looking me in the eye.

‘Can we go for a drive or something?’ I ask, nodding to the door.

‘You asking my boyfriend to go park, Tucker?’ Cartman drawls, nonchalantly picking off the approaching undead one by one. ‘Just coz your own twink isn’t putting out, doesn’t mean you can mack on mine.’

‘Oh for the love of God.’ Kyle mutters, rubbing a hand over his face.

‘No, Cartman,’ I say through gritted teeth, ‘I’m very happy with my _boyfriend_ thank you. I just wanna talk to my friend and your lard ass isn’t invited, ok?’

‘Whatever fucker. Oh sorry, you’re not are you? Tucker.’

‘Stop being a dick Cartman, else you won’t be getting any either.’ Kyle butts in as I step forward, fists clenched. ‘Let’s go, dude.’

‘You gonna be ok?’ Kyle asks Cartman as we pick up our jackets.

Cartman waves a hand, eyes still fixed on the game. ‘I’ll call Kenny. He’ll come running over. His poor ass doesn’t have an xbox.’

‘Ok, see you later.’

We’re halted at the door by Cartman whimpering. He’s still playing the game but he’s tilted his cheek towards us and is making a sound like a kicked puppy.

Kyle rolls his eyes but goes back over to him, leaning down and kissing him on the offered cheek. Cartman smirks as he pulls back and Kyle can’t quite his lips from quirking as they look at each other.

‘Later, Jew.’ Cartman says, turning back to the video game. ‘Remember, that’s MY boyfriend Tucker.’ He calls after me.

‘Yeh, yeh.’ I wave him off as we finally make it out of the door.

We take Kyle’s clapped out car and drive it up to the clearing on the hill. Cartman is right, this is a make out spot, but it’s also mine and Kyle’s spot because it has one of the best views of South Park. You can see right out over the town, glittering below in the darkness like someone put fairy lights on a turd. The snow capped mountains on the other side glow blue in the moonlight, completing the postcard picture.

We sit in the car with the heater on because it’s winter and it’s fucking freezing outside. But the scenery is good and we brought beer.

‘So, what did you want to talk about?’ Kyle asks as he pops the tab of his can.

‘Um.’ Now we’re here, I have absolutely no idea how to start. I stare at him dumbly for a few moments until he sighs.

‘Look, is this about what Eric said? Because he was way out of line…’

‘Yes!’ I jump on the opening. ‘Well not exactly.’ I correct as Kyle throws his head back in frustration at his boyfriend.

He looks at me quizzically and I attempt to explain. ‘It’s not what he said, I mean it did piss me off but most things he says piss me off and that’s not why I wanted to talk to you.’ I groan silently and jam my icy fingers in my jacket pocket. This is so hard to put into words without sounding like a complete idiot.

I decide to start at the beginning. ‘You and Cartman have known each other for a long time, right?’

‘Yeah…’ Kyle nods, still looking confused. ‘All our lives.’

‘Right. And you were friends before you got together.’

‘Well I wouldn’t exactly have called us friends.’ Kyle says wryly.

‘But you were something, yeh?’ I urge.

His eyes soften. ‘Yeh, we were something.’

‘So when you got together, was it, you know… weird?’ I shrug, breaking eye contact to look at my lap.

‘Oh!’ Kyle gasps, I raise my head to see that he has his lightbulb face on. The look he has when everything has just clicked into place and he’s just solved a big case. I breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not gonna actually have to explain everything.

Kyle smiles. ‘It was pretty weird, yeh. I mean, we’d been hanging out a lot just the two of us, but when you cross that line...’

‘So after you made the first move, how did you deal with it?’ I interrupt, anxious to get to the details.

Now it’s Kyle’s turn to look away and that blush is back. ‘Everyone assumes it was me but it was actually Eric who was the brave one and took the leap.’ He admits sheepishly.

My surprise lasts only a few moments. I knew the vague story of them getting together from school gossip but I wasn’t friends with them back when it happened. It makes a weird kind of sense though.

‘Cartman does always go after what he wants.’ I say and Kyle huffs a laugh.

‘But after that, like, the first time you… you know.’ I gesture crudely. His eyebrows rise and I feel the need to offer up a bit more information than just expecting my friend to tell me private details about his sex life. ‘Me and Tweek… it’s like there’s a roadblock coming out of the friendzone. We try but it all goes wrong and now I’m worried it’s actually gonna be awful and he’s not… gonna want me anymore.’ I finish in a rush, trying to ignore my friend’s gobsmacked face at my overshare.

‘I don’t think that would happen, Craig.’ Kyle remembers his duty as a friend enough to say.

‘But I kneed him in the balls!’ I protest. ‘I mean what the fuck is wrong with me?’

‘Nothing, dude.’ Kyle manages to bite back a laugh but can’t quite keep the smile off his face.

I scowl.

‘Look, you wanna know about mine and Eric’s first time?’ Kyle says. I nod, still pissed. ‘It was fucking horrific.’

My jaw drops. ‘You’re serious?’

‘Super seriously.’ Kyle grins. ‘It was both of our first times and we were nervous as fuck but hadn’t got our heads out of our asses enough to actually talk to each other about it. We flipped a coin to see who would bottom because neither of us wanted to give up that much power. Luckily, I got bottom since that’s what we actually both wanted, but then I didn’t prepare myself enough so it hurt like a bitch and then Eric shot too soon. When it was over, I just went home. We didn’t talk to each other for 3 days afterwards.’

I can’t help it, I laugh. It’s partly relief and partly getting Kyle back for laughing at me earlier. Kyle doesn’t seem offended though, he just smiles indulgently.

‘How did you end up talking again?’ I ask.

‘Kenny locked us in the kit cupboard at school. Said we couldn’t come out until we ‘got over ourselves and talked about our shit. And that if we couldn’t man up enough to talk about sex, we shouldn’t be having it.’ Wise man, Kenny.’ Kyle toasts.

‘He is the expert, I guess.’ I agree of the promiscuous blonde. ‘So you followed his advice then?’

‘Sure did. And let me tell you, gym mats give nasty friction burns.’ I almost do a spit take at his mischievous smirk.

‘Oh god, I sat on those mats! Is there anything I haven’t sat on that your’s or Cartman’s bare ass hasn’t been on?’ I groan, palming at my face in horror.

‘Hey! I clean everything. It’s not that disgusting.’ Kyle sniffs, primly.

I shake my head and take a fortifying swig of my beer, digesting everything I’ve just heard.

‘I’m a bit worried about that too… the power thing.’ I admit after a few moments. ‘Like, I feel like I should be the top but I don’t know if that’s what I like.’

‘Because that’s the more ‘dominant’ and therefore manly position and Tweek’s smaller?’ Kyle guesses and I nod reluctantly. The last thing I wanna do is offend him.

‘When you walked in on us the other day, did Eric look dominant to you?’

I open my mouth to answer automatically then I actually think about it. ‘No.’ I concede and Kyle smirks again.

‘You and Tweek will work things out.’ He says with complete confidence.

‘Yeh...’ I feel better but I’m still not completely convinced.

‘You know what though Craig? You'll have sex and it will be great or it will be fucking awful but you both want each other so you'll work past it. And the next time will be better, and the time after that even better still, and by the time you know each other inside out, it will be the best sex you've ever had but it won't really matter anymore, because you've fallen so far that just being with them is enough and the sex is really just a bonus. Sex isn’t everything. They are.’

He must have seen the way I’m looking at him because he grimaces. 

‘Sorry that turned into a gay little speech didn't it?’

‘Pretty gay, dude.’ I agree but I can't help my lip twitching.

‘Yeh ok I’m working on it, just don't tell Eric.’

I draw my fingers in a cross on my chest and he huffs.

‘Speaking of which, we’d better get back before he convinces Kenny that it’s a good idea to act out Resident Evil with paintball guns and homeless people again.’

‘That happened?’

‘Yup.’ Kyle sighs.

We get back to no major disasters or fake zombie hunts in progress. Cartman is still as we left him. Apparently Kenny didn’t feel like coming over but Cartman didn’t move from the sofa so it was ok. Butters is still at his club but Tweek is back from work and in our room watching funny youtube videos on his ipad.

Kyle’s ‘gay little speech’ is with me as I bid him and Cartman goodnight and enter our room to find Tweek sitting up against the headboard looking sweet with his freshly washed, tousled hair and my big jumper on. He looks up at me and smiles that beautiful lightbulb smile where his whole face lights up and I make my decision.

I climb up on the bed and sit across from him. He looks slightly apprehensive at my serious expression, turning off the ipad and putting it on the nightstand to give me his full attention.

I take a deep breath and gather my courage. ‘I know we’ve had some… issues taking our relationship to the next level but I just wanted to make sure you knew that I want to. Have sex with you that is. But in case you hadn’t guessed, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I don’t know whether I’m a top or a bottom or if I even like that stuff but I’d really like to find out with you because I love you. If you want to that is, because if you don’t that’s ok too. And we don’t have to do it now, in fact it’s probably best if we take things slow…. sorry I’m rambling, I’m just nervous as fuck.’

I focus on Tweek’s shocked expression. Oddly, the thought that goes through my mind while I’m waiting for the axe to fall is that he’s so still. He’s only ever usually this still when he’s sleeping.

Great, now I’m rambling in my brain.

I’m actually starting to get really worried when suddenly he lunges at me, throwing his arms around me.

‘Oh thank god! I’ve been totally freaking out! I don’t know whatthefuck I’m doing either.’

I smile, relief and joy threatening to overwhelm me.

‘Well, we can do it together.’

He tilts his face up to mine and beams back. I lean forward to press my lips to his. It’s only meant to be a gentle kiss but somehow ends up becoming more. It’s like a damn has broken. Our stumbling confessions having obliterated the road block, and before long I’m laying Tweek back on the bed, trailing my lips down his jaw to kiss his neck. He gasps and arches into me, his hands moving up to clasp at my back and I can barely contain a smile, I’m so happy.

We make out for a while longer, the kisses becoming dirtier until we’re grinding against each other, my leg pushed inbetween his. Hands push up at my hips and I almost whine lifting them up, thinking Tweek wants me to stop, until I realise that he’s fumbling with the fastenings on my jeans, his fingers shaking.

‘Buttons? S-seriously?’ He squeaks and I huff a laugh that’s laced with relief before reaching down to eagerly assist. Between us we manage to get both of our jeans open and shoved down our thighs and then there’s just the barrier of cotton between us.

If I wasn’t so hyped on nervous adrenaline then I would be shaking as I move my hand and finally, _finally,_ place it over the bulge in Tweeks boxers. He lets out the hottest moan I’ve ever heard as I start to rub him through the material, leaning down to taste him and swallow the little gasps he’s making.

His hands run up my side and down my back, lingering over my ass before completing their circuit. My mind soon becomes focussed on the fingers inching towards my dick, the tips just brushing the outline before a loud pounding makes us both leap apart. The noise is following by the almighty bang of the front door being kicked open, rebounding sharply against the hallway wall.

Tweek is up in a flash and off the bed, hoping from one foot to the other, unsure what to do. I’m ashamed to say I’m slightly slower on the uptake – being a cop doesn’t actually prepare you when you’re the one getting busted. I pull up my jeans and grab my gun out of the nightstand whilst promising my dick silent retribution against the cockblocking dick head who interrupted us.

I motion for Tweek to get behind me and peer out of the door, lowering the gun immediately (if still somewhat disgruntledly) when I’m faced with my colleagues in the hallway.

‘What’s going on?’ I ask Young, opening the door a bit further so Tweek can see. Young shakes his head and I understand the silent order. I’m not to interfere.

‘Hey! That’s police brutality! Get the fuck off me.’ Cartman shouts as he’s dragged out of his and Kyle’s bedroom by two armed police.

‘You can’t just break in here! Cartman, what the fuck have you done?’ Kyle’s voice rings out behind him. Judging by Cartman’s t-shirt and boxers and Kyle’s frankly alarming bed head, I’m assuming they’d turned in for the night.

‘Nothing!’ Cartman protests as the Chief cuts across him eagerly.

‘I’ve been waiting a long time to do this.’ He smiles triumphantly, turning Cartman roughly. ‘Eric Theodore Cartman, I am arresting you on suspicion of murder.’ The cuffs make a final sort of click as they’re snapped into place over Cartman’s wrists.

My jaw drops. Behind me I hear Tweek gasp.

‘I never killed anybody!’ Cartman shouts, desperately seeking out Kyle’s stricken face. ‘Kyle, I haven’t!’

Kyle squares himself. ‘Who is he meant to have murdered?’ He demands.

‘Kenny McCormick.’

My vision narrows. I barely hear Tweek’s sob under the roaring in my ears.

‘No.’ Kyle whispers, face paling, whereas Cartman goes into full on denial.

‘Kenny? Kenny’s not dead.’ He scoffs. ‘He disappears all the fucking time. It doesn’t mean he’s dead!’

‘And is that why you thought you could get away with it? Make him disappear for good and no one would think anything of it?’ The Chief presses, raising an eyebrow.

‘What? No!’ Cartman blinks. ‘That’s fucking stupid. I haven’t even seen Kenny tonight!’

‘That’s funny because your DNA is all over his house.’ The Chief reveals, barely supressing a smirk at his success in catching Cartman out.

‘Well of course it fucking is! We’ve been friends forever. Tell him Kyle!’ Cartman protests, turning to a shell shocked Kyle expectantly.

‘What happened to him?’ Kyle asks, ignoring Cartman and addressing the Chief directly. His voice is steady if quiet, but his eyes betray him. He looks as though he’s standing on the edge of a cliff that’s crumbling beneath his feet.

‘He was murdered in his home this evening.’ The Chief answers shortly before turning his attention back to Cartman. ‘Can you tell me where you’ve been?’ He asks, shaking Cartman’s arm.

‘Ow! Here! All night.’ Cartman scowls.

‘Can anyone vouch for that?’

‘Only Chris Redfield and his fucking zombie hoard.’

‘But how did it happen?!’ Kyle insists, his voice taking on a hysterical edge. The Chief hesitates.

‘They don’t know because they didn’t find a body.’ Cartman scoffs, derisively. ‘You can’t come in here and arrest me without any proof!’

‘Well for someone who’s been home all night you certainly seem to know a lot about it.’ The Chief says, eyeing Cartman. Cartman stares back defiantly.

‘Chief?’ Andrews comes out of Cartman’s and Kyle’s room holding up a large evidence bag. Through the blood smeared plastic, Cartman’s t-shirt and jeans can clearly be seen. ‘These were shoved down the bottom of the hamper.’ He says, tossing the bag to the Chief, who catches it one handed, the other still clasped around Cartman’s cuffs.

‘Oh dear. That was rather sloppy.’ He tuts, showing the bag to Cartman. ‘Care to tell us who’s blood this is, son?’

It’s pretty obvious who’s blood it is. Unless Cartman killed someone else tonight, which I sincerely hope he didn’t. The clothes are splattered with red and in some places completely soaked through. It must have been messy. I swallow hard. My copper’s eye is drawn to Cartman’s still shower damp hair and rage floods my system. What did the sick fucker do to him?

I calm slightly at the look of pure confusion that paints Cartman’s face when confronted with the bag of clothes.

‘But… why is the blood still there?’ He asks, looking genuinely lost.

Christ.

‘That’s what happens when you expect your boyfriend to wash your clothes for you.’ The Chief quips. ‘Little tip son, next time do your own laundry.’

‘But…’ Cartman’s objection turns into a yelp as he’s yanked forward towards the door. The cops have heard all but a confession and the part of me that’s not still stunned boils over again at the sheer arrogance of the crime.

‘Eric!’ Kyle seems to have found his voice again and steps forward. I move to throw an arm out barring his way. I will not let that fucker take Kyle down with him.

‘Kyle!’ Cartman struggles against the arms that propel him forward, twisting to see Kyle. ‘Kyle! Find Kenny, he’ll be home tomorrow. He’ll sort all this out. Motherfuckers. I will KILL him when I get hold of him.’ He snarls as Andrews gives him particularly brutal elbow in the side and Cartman’s leg goes from under him, allowing him and Young to half carry, half drag him out of the flat. The slamming of the front door punctuates their exit.

‘Oh Jesus. Oh Kenny.’ Tweek whispers next to me, bringing his hands up to cover his face as his shoulders start to shake.

I gather him in my arms and let him sob against my chest. I have to blink back a few of my own tears.

‘It’s not true.’ Butters chokes out and I turn to see him stood in his bedroom doorway, shaking his head, tears spilling from the corners of his eyes. I didn’t even realise he was behind me.

I turn my head desperately to Kyle. I’m not equipped to deal with this! Kenny was all of our friend but I have two of his best friends standing around me, having just found out that their other childhood friend brutally murdered him.

‘Kyle…’ I begin, although I’m not sure whether I’m going to ask for help or offer comfort. It’s a moot point as Kyle whips away abruptly, disappearing back into his room and emerging a couple of minutes later in a green hoodie, snowboots and jeans.

‘Where are you going?!’ I ask in disbelief as I watch my friend yank his coat and hat off of the hook by the door.

‘To find Kenny.’ Kyle replies shortly, winding a scarf around his neck.

Fuck. I can’t believe he’s actually taking what Cartman said seriously. My disbelief is tempered with sympathy; I suppose if I was in Kyle’s shoes I’d be clinging on to hope too. I can’t let him go out though, not in this state. Before I can try and convince him to stay, Butters hurries past me.

‘I’ll come with you!’ He says, grabbing his coat and scarf. They’re gone before I can even formulate an argument and with a final slam of the door, I’m left in the silence after the storm with my arms around a still hiccoughing Tweek. Although by this point, I’m really not sure who is holding who.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much yelling...

Butters returns to the flat the next morning, Kyle mid afternoon. They’ve been all over town, systematically checking out all of Kenny’s usual haunts before finishing up at the McCormick’s house. They couldn’t get anywhere near as the place is currently crawling with cops but if anything that proves that Kenny definitely isn’t there.

Tweek convinces them both to sit down and have something to eat. Kyle picks at his food, eating the minimum to keep his diabetes at bay. Butters isn’t much better and the silence that lays over the room is thick with grief. Kyle’s mobile rings, shrill and obscene in the quiet.

‘Yes I’ll take the call.’ We all look over to Kyle, who sits up straighter in his chair.

‘Eric.’ Kyle’s voice wavers slightly.

A tinny greeting comes out of the receiver, too quiet for us to hear the words and we’re left working out the conversation from Kyle’s responses alone.

‘No, no. He’s not there.’

The inaudible voice raises in pitch.

‘I’ve been everywhere!’ Kyle says, voice rising in answer. ‘He’s not there! Don’t even start with me. I’ve been out all fucking night doing exactly that!’

‘Yeh.’

‘Yeh’

‘I don’t fucking know.’ Kyle’s head drops down, hand moving up to grasp at his hair.

‘Yeh, I’ll go back tomorrow.’ He agrees, resigned.

‘And he told you? That he’d be back home in a couple of days? You’d better not be lying, Cartman. I swear to God. Not about this.’

‘Yeh.’

‘Ok, I know. Me too.’

‘Bye.’

Kyle punches end call on his phone and pushes his plate away. ‘Thanks Tweek.’ He says flatly.

He stands to leave and I want to say something but Tweek’s hand on my arm stops me. I glance at him and he shakes his head. He’s right of course. I could sit Kyle back down. Explain to him that the guys at the station are sure it’s murder and they wouldn’t take that view lightly. It means more paperwork if nothing else.

I spoke to Coppin this morning. He wouldn’t tell me much apart from that I’ve been given compassionate leave and that he promised he would do everything he could to ensure the sick fuck spent the rest of his days in a psych ward. I asked him if there was any way at all Kenny could still be alive, just for my sanity as much as Kyle’s. He answered gently that no, there wasn’t. Even the CSI guys left the crime scene a bit green.

But once Kyle has decided on something, he’s stubborn as fuck. You just have to let him play it out until his comes to his senses, no matter how heart breaking it is to watch him self-destruct. He’s the most rational guy I know and all that goes out of the window when Cartman is involved. I say as much to Tweek and he just looks at me sympathetically.

‘Would you want to believe it?’ Tweek asks. ‘That your boyfriend killed one of your best friends?’ His eyes are still red from where he was up half of the night crying.

No. But then, my boyfriend isn’t a sociopath with previous form.

‘What do you think B-Butters? You’re close to Cartman.’ Tweek stammers suddenly.

Butters looks up at him in surprise. ‘Well I’m as close as Cartman’ll let me I guess. I mean gee, he grumbles at me and we talk about films and stuff but he doesn’t talk to me about… you know, his problems or anything. I don’t think anyone but Kyle knows about that stuff.’

‘But do you think he did it?’ I press.

Butters frowns, shrinking in on himself like he doesn’t really like what he’s about to say. ‘Well he’s done some bad things but I thought he did like K-Kenny. They’ve been friends an awfully long time. But I dunno… I wouldn’t like to think he’d hurt him but Eric is…’

‘a mental case?’ I finish dryly and he gives me a wry look.

‘unpredictable.’ He amends, with a sad smile. ‘Buy hey,’ He brightens, ‘Kyle knows better than anyone what Eric is capable of and he believes in him. And Kyle’s smart. If he says Eric didn’t do it then that’s good enough for me.’

‘Kyle has been fooled by Cartman before.’ I protest.

‘Well gosh I think we all have. But that’s because he sees the good in him. They wouldn’t be together otherwise.’ Butters counters, sincerely.

‘But is he just seeing what he wants to see?’ I mutter to myself.

We finish the rest of the meal in silence.

\--------------

Two more days pass and still no sign of Kenny. The police have been in and turned the flat upside-down and despite knowing its standard procedure, I’m forced to acknowledge that its invasive as fuck.

Another day passes with still no word and Kyle and Cartman’s daily phone calls are getting more and more strained.

‘Why the fuck would he be at his house?!’

Tweek flinches next to me at Kyle’s shout, dropping his spoon into his cereal with a clatter. I school my features against the frown that’s threatening as he gives up trying to eat and pushes his bowl away.

The last few days have been tough to say the least. Kyle is still in full on denial, which I can cope with, hard enough as it is to watch. It’s the effect it’s having on Tweek that’s getting to me. It’s like we’re stuck in some kind of limbo. We should be grieving for our friend, but instead, we’re hanging on to some fucked up fantasy in which Kenny is going to walk through the door at any moment and this will have all been some big misunderstanding.

‘I’ve checked there. You have to give me more to go on than that!’ Kyle’s whole demeanour has taken on a desperate edge as he clutches the phone in one hand and his hair in the other.

If Tweek looks tired then Kyle looks like shit warmed up. He’s not sleeping, that much is obvious. His mood swinging from despair to anger like a metronome on rumba setting. Once again I consider contacting Stan in the hope that Kyle might listen to reason if it came from him. The thought niggles and this is what keeps me from making the call. We’re Kyle’s friends. We should be able to help him, goddammit. That and I’m pretty sure Kyle would see an intervention as a massive breach of trust.

I close my eyes so I don’t have to see Kyle pace past again, wishing to God that I could think of a way to make him see sense before he gets sucked down further into this putrid quagmire of Cartman’s making.

I phoned Coppin last night to get an update, off the record. The police will be charging Cartman any day now. Only the bargaining chip of the location of Kenny’s body is holding them off. And you have no idea how much the hearing my friend’s body being described as a bargaining chip hurts. Cartman isn’t breaking though, still insisting that he doesn’t know anything about the murder. He wasn’t there. He doesn’t know what happened. He doesn’t know where the body is. He was at home.

That’s the bit that makes me feel sick to my stomach. It was me who asked Kyle to leave Cartman that night. When he was on a level 5 no less. If I hadn’t, would Kenny still be alive?

A hand covering mine brings me out of my self pity induced haze and I open my eyes to see Tweek looking at me questioningly, his eyes creased with concern.

I take a deep breath and turn my hand to take his. Everyone sees me as the strong one but Tweek is the one with the real strength. Under that shaky exterior is a core of steel. Every day he wages a battle against himself and his demons and every day that he makes it through, he wins. I am in awe of him and right now, I’m so grateful to have him beside me holding my hand.

‘I need to see him.’ Tweek starts violently and even I didn’t hear Kyle approach. He’s evidently finished his phone call and is stood in front of us, fixing me with a stare that brooks no argument. I choose my words carefully. Kyle has his game face on, the one he slips into on his and Cartman’s cases when the plan has gone to shit and they’re up to their necks.

‘Why?’ I decide on simplicity.

‘Because he knows more than he’s telling me and I need to see him to get it out of him.’

Now we’re talking.

It takes a lot of sweet talking and pulling in favours but I manage to swing 10 minutes with Cartman. Kyle isn’t family so wouldn’t normally be allowed to visit, despite everyone in this town knowing they’re together. Rules are rules… except where the promise of a bottle of scotch is involved.

Tweek waits in the car while I take Kyle in. It feels weird to be at the station in civilian clothes and not in my uniform. I feel underdressed and the tension radiating off Kyle isn’t helping the atmosphere as we wait in the interview room for Cartman to be brought in.

‘Eric.’ I glance up at Kyle’s voice as Cartman is escorted into the room. He’s in a standard issue jumpsuit. His clothes, along with a shit load of his possessions and his truck, having been taken away for analysis.

He drops down into the chair opposite with a thunk and I give a grateful look to Officer Young as he undoes the handcuffs around Cartman’s wrists, securing just the one hand to the table leg.

‘Kyle.’ Cartman responds and Kyle swallows as they look at each other, silently assessing the other.

‘You look like shit, Jew.’ Cartman concludes and Kyle gives a mirthless laugh.

‘Yeh well my dumbass boyfriend got himself arrested for murder.’

‘Yeh well his dumbass friend fucked off and dropped him in this mess so…’ I clench my fists at the slight on Kenny and remember my decision to keep silent. This is between the two of them.

Kyle just cocks his head.

‘Do you need me to call my Dad?’

‘Fuck no,’ Cartman says, leaning back and attempting to cross his arms, giving up when his wrist jerks against his bonds. ‘Your Dad wouldn’t defend me if his life depended on it.’

‘He would for me.’ Kyle says softly.

‘Yeh, well,’ Cartman answers, rubbing back of his neck awkwardly, ‘there’s no need is there? I’ll be out of here, just as soon as the poor boy gets back off his vacation.’

‘You still have no idea where he could be?’ Kyle asks.

‘No fucking idea.’ Cartman snorts, shaking his head before looking up back up at Kyle. Kyle remains silent, meeting his gaze head on for what feels like minutes.

‘What the fuck you looking at me like that for, Jew?’ Cartman snarls suddenly, breaking first.

‘Because you’re lying to me.’ Kyle says, face clouding in anger.

‘I’m not! Jesus Christ!’

‘You fucking are! I fucking know you, Fatass and I know when you’re hiding something. You know what happened to Kenny!’

‘Goddammit Kyle, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.’

‘Then tell me!’ Kyle shouts and I glance over at the door. If they get any louder, Young will be back in here.

‘You wouldn’t fucking believe me!’ Cartman screams back. They’re both on their feet by this point, squaring off against each other over the table.

‘Why not?!’

‘Because it’s too fucking crazy!’

‘Crazy is what we DO!’ Kyle shrieks. That seems to take Cartman aback and they both stare at each other for a moment, breathing hard.

‘Tell me, Eric. Please.’ Kyle says quietly, his voice breaking on the last word.

Cartman seems to deflate, dropping back into his seat. He looks off to the right, weighing up his words before turning back to Kyle.

‘Kenny isn’t dead.’

At his words, Kyle sinks back into his seat and from the relief on his face I know that he believes Cartman is telling him the truth. It’s this that provokes me to speak up.

‘But my partner told me about the crime scene, there was no way anyone could survive that!’

Cartman shoots a glare at me, acknowledging my presence for the first time.

‘I didn’t say he survived it Tucker, I just said that he wasn’t dead.’

I stare at him in confusion as Kyle snaps. ‘Stop messing about and explain, Fatass.’

‘I was, before I was so rudely interrupted.’ I grit my teeth as he continues. ‘Kenny has this… quirk you see. He dies but then he comes back.’

‘He comes back?’ I repeat, sceptically.

‘Yes, Tucker. Congratulations, those are some amazing hearing skills you’ve got there. How are the force coping without you?’

‘And his friends have never noticed this because?’ I raise my eyebrows, ignoring the jibe.

‘Because you never remember.’

‘Right.’ Is all I can manage. The guy is insane.

‘How come you remember?’ Kyle asks, leaning forward. To my chagrin he looks more engaged than disbelieving.

‘I don’t know. I didn’t, then I ate Kenny’s ashes when we were kids and Kenny possessed me. It was like a switch flipped. It seems I’m the only one who does remember though.’

‘Of course you are.’ I deadpan.

‘So where is Kenny now?’ Kyle says.

Cartman shrugs. ‘Heaven? Hell? Depends what shit he’s been up to and how he snuffed it.’

‘But he comes back?’

‘Yeh… he’s usually back by now.’ Cartman says, looking slightly concerned for the first time. ‘Maybe he got held up banging virgins at the pearly gates, I dunno. Wherever he is, I’m gonna send him right back there as soon as he shows his pasty ass round here again.’

‘So we just have to wait?’ Kyle confirms, unsurely.

‘Pretty much.’ Cartman agrees.

Kyle frowns but I can tell from his face that he’s thinking over Cartman’s story. Does Cartman not understand what he’s doing to Kyle? Of course he doesn’t.

It takes a lot for me to snap, ask anyone in this town. But Kyle being taken in again… I just can’t watch this asshole make a fool out of him like this.

‘I’m sorry.’ I say, anger barely restrained in my voice. ‘You can’t actually be buying into this bullshit Kyle?!’

The look Cartman gives me is positively murderous but I plough on regardless. He’s had his say, now I’m having mine.

‘So you’re telling us that Kenny is dead, but he’s not actually dead, he’s just partying in heaven. And that this happens all the time but we never remember. But you do because you ate his ashes and now you can see dead people?’

For the first time Kyle looks unsure. Laid out like that, it sounds insane and Kyle’s smart enough to realise that.

‘Who the fuck invited you, Tucker?’ Cartman snaps. ‘This has nothing to do with you!’

‘It has everything to do with me!’ I shoot back. ‘I’m the one watching your boyfriend self destruct because of your selfish ass! You murdered his best friend and now you’re pulling this shit? Christ, I thought you loved him, Cartman!’

‘I do love him, you asshole!’ Cartman shouts back. ‘Jesus Christ, you’re acting as if Kyle is a fucking pussy or something!’

‘Shut the fuck up both of you!’ Kyle shouts over us but we both ignore him, too caught up in our argument.

‘Your friend is dead, Cartman! You killed him, you fucking psychopath.’ I spit. ‘Any normal person would let their boyfriend grieve, but no, you can’t resist messing with his head with some crazy ass, made up story! How the fuck do you come up with this shit? Are you off your meds or what?!’

‘Fuck you!’

‘Craig!’

Cartman and Kyle yell simultaneously and I know I’ve crossed a line. Any mention of Cartman’s medication is off limits but for once, I can’t bring myself to give a shit.

‘I think it would be best if you wait in the car, Craig.’ Kyle says tightly and I gape at him.

‘Kyle…’

‘Please Craig.’ He adds and I bite my tongue, standing up abruptly and trying to ignore Cartman’s smirk as I storm out of the station. I’m more angry than I’ve ever been in my life. Angrier even than when those assholes roped me into going to Peru.

‘What happened?’ Tweek squawks at my thunderous expression as I stalk towards the car.

‘Kyle threw me out.’ I bite out an answer through the rolled down window.

‘Ohjesus!’ Tweek says, fumbling with the door handle to get out of the car but I tell him to stay where he is. He nods in understanding and settles for watching me lean against the car and chewing on his sleeves. I feel bad about making him worry and do my best to concentrate on my breathing, willing myself to calm down. Despite my best efforts, I’m still simmering when Kyle emerges 5 minutes later from the station.

‘Craig.’ He says and I nod in response.

‘You shouldn’t have said that…’

‘I know.’ I cut across him, not in the mood for a lecture. ‘I’m sorry, but Kyle…’ I pause, exasperation and plain bone tiredness robbing all the fight out of me, ‘I know you’d rather believe Cartman than accept Kenny is dead, we all would, but it doesn’t make any sense.’ I plead. ‘Kenny’s blood was on his clothes, his DNA all over the scene...’

‘But that’s what doesn’t make sense!’ Kyle argues immediately. ‘Why would he leave his clothes to be found? The DNA led the police right to him! He wouldn’t be that careless…’

‘Maybe he wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe he didn’t mean to do it.’ I suggest.

‘Then why isn’t he saying he’s been framed? He’d have known they’d link it back to him and I’d bet my life that that would be his go to plea.’

‘Why are you so eager to defend him? Kenny’s dead because of him!’ I say, my anger rising again. ‘You can’t possibly be this blind!’

‘I’m not being…’

‘You are! Kyle, this isn’t healthy. Cartman killed Kenny and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start to move on. He’s manipulating you and you’re falling for it!’

‘But why would he kill Kenny?!’ Kyle shakes his head disbelievingly.

‘Who knows what goes on in Cartman’s brain? Look, Kyle, you never really know someone...’

‘Don’t know him? I’ve known that man for my entire life.’ Kyle shouts, jabbing his finger back at the station. ‘I’ve fought with him and I’ve _lost_ to him. And let me tell you, the man I know would not make stupid mistakes like that. Do not tell me that I don’t know him.’ He spits, abruptly turning away, his shoulders heaving.

‘Kyle! Where are you going?’ I shout after his retreating figure.

‘I’m gonna walk. I’ll see you guys later.’

I cover my face with my hands and sigh. Well, that couldn’t have gone worse.

Tweek gives me a sympathetic look as I get in the car but wisely doesn’t say anything. It’s just as we’re leaving the car park that my phone beeps with a text and I pull it out of my pocket to look at the screen:

**RECEIVED: TEDDY COPPIN**

**_You ok? You dashed out of here like your ass was on fire! Didn’t get a chance to tell you. We’ve got a witness! That fucker is going down!_ **

Fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

To say that Kyle was angry would be an understatement. To say that Cartman’s ipad didn’t like being thrown against the wall, would be another one.

Kyle is well known for his temper. He’s quick to anger and quick to forgive, as the saying goes… But this is Cartman we’re talking about and I’ve got a feeling that Kyle won’t be calming down or forgiving any time soon.

Cartman’s mother, Liane, calls in the worst case of bad timing possible. I see that Kyle thinks about not taking it for a few seconds before sighing and answering. I can hear the poor delusional woman sobbing about her little misunderstood angel from the other end of the sofa and when Kyle comes off the phone, he seems more tired than anything.

‘What are you going to do?’ I ask as Tweek re-enters the living room and hands me and Kyle a cup of green tea. He takes a trembling sip out of his own coffee mug before taking the seat across.

‘I don’t know.’ Kyle says staring into his cup as if it holds all the answers.

He stays like that, lost in thought, long after the liquid inside has gone cold. It’s unnerving really. Kyle is a man of action. It’s so out of character to see him so still and yet another reminder of how fucked up this situation is.

At that moment I miss Kenny so much it’s almost crippling. If he were here, he’d know what to do. He’d know what to say to coax Kyle back to his usual self, how best to handle Cartman and most of all, if he were here, we wouldn’t be sat like this in the first place with our little built up life crumbling around us. Even Butters would be better than nothing, but unfortunately he’s out of town visiting a friend in Canada. He was reluctant to go but still a little relieved I think, when Kyle insisted he keep his plans. Butters has never done well with confrontation.

And so here we are, down to three.

I allow myself a brief moment to imagine Cartman is right and how angry I’ll be at Kenny when he reappears, but I’m flooded with guilt almost immediately. Whether Cartman or the police are right, none of this is Kenny’s fault.

Around 3 in the morning me and Tweek decide to retreat to our bedroom. As soon as we’re in bed, Tweek curls up against my side and I feel his shoulders start to shake in what has become our night time ritual. I hold him close until he’s cried himself to sleep but try as I might I can’t follow him.

The next morning I check the living room and to my relief, I find it empty. Kyle emerges from the bathroom looking tired but more himself. He collars me in the hallway, his curls still dripping from his shower even as he asks me the question I’ve been waiting for.

‘Can you get me in to see him again?’

I agree because he’ll just find a more illegal way of seeing Cartman if I don’t. And a sequence of events that are almost an exact de ja vu for yesterday finds us seated in the interview room once again, only now the atmosphere has ratcheted up so much it’s almost claustrophobic.

‘I thought of something!’ Cartman says eagerly as soon as he walks through the door, breaking the tension. When Kyle doesn’t respond right away, Cartman cocks his head slightly at the less than friendly reception but chooses to ignore it for now. Most likely having previous experience of being on the receiving end of Kyle’s cold shoulders.

‘What?’ It falls to me to say when Kyle remains silent.

Cartman looks between us briefly before continuing.

‘Remember when Kenny had the tickets for the candy grab thing and we couldn’t find them?’

I look to Kyle since this question definitely isn’t for me.

‘Vaguely.’ Kyle says shortly, looking as confused as I am by the randomness of the query.

‘How did we get them off Kenny?’

‘I don’t know, asked him probably.’ Kyle says, starting to look irritated again.

‘But he wasn’t there. That was one of the times he was dead.’

Kyle opens his mouth but Cartman cuts across him. ‘Think about it, Jew. Where was Kenny? He would have come with us right? They were his tickets and there’s no way the poor kid would have passed up free candy.’

Kyle shuts his mouth with a snap, reverting back to confused.

‘Maybe he was sick.’ I venture. This hardly proved anything.

‘But he wasn’t there the whole summer.’ Cartman presses excitedly.

‘He was.’ I argue. I would have noticed if one of my classmates had gone missing for a whole summer.

‘No, he wasn’t.’ I’m brought up short by Kyle’s voice. His eyebrows are drawn in as he concentrates, obviously trying to dredge up some sort of memory of that time. ‘That was the summer Butters started hanging around with us, and Tweek.’ He adds, with a quick nod at me.

‘So where was Kenny?’ I ask, shaking my head half disbelieving.

‘Exactly.’ Cartman says, with a triumphant smirk. ‘He spent the summer stuck in this dimension, the one from the Cthulhu thing. You gotta remember that right?’ He checks and Kyle nods with a snort that screams ‘obviously’. ‘Well Kenny said he’d been there the year before. That must be where he is!’

Cartman looks at us expectantly. I’m at a loss for words at the seemingly odd turn this interview has taken. Either that’s an impressive imagination Cartman’s got or he’s completely delusional.

Cartman scowls at the absence of a round of applause to his brilliance.

‘Ok. What the fuck has got your panties in a twist, Jewboy? You’ve had a face on you like a smacked ass since you walked in here.’

A flicker of worry crosses Cartman’s expression when Kyle doesn’t immediately explode.

‘Why were you at Kenny’s house?’ Kyle asks suddenly.

It’s obvious Cartman is caught off guard by the question, his eyebrows lift in surprise before inverting into a scowl.

‘I told you I don’t know…’

‘There’s a witness.’ Kyle cuts off the lie before it can form.

‘Who?’ Cartman asks bluntly.

‘Mr Garrison.’

‘Mr Garrison! Are you fucking kidding me, Kyle? He’s had it in for me since 4th grade!’ Cartman scoffs derisively.

It’s true. Although that could be said for half the town where Cartman is concerned. There hasn’t exactly been a public outcry since he was arrested, more a half hearted shrug and a general acceptance that their resident sociopath has finally been caught.

‘One of the homeless guys said he saw you coming out of the house as well so I’ll ask you again… why were you at Kenny’s house?’ Kyle grinds out, leaning forward.

For a moment I think Cartman is going to protest again but to my surprise he just rolls his eyes.

‘We just went there, Jew. What? I gotta get permission now?’

Jesus Christ. Talk about a breakthrough. The Fatass is _finally_ telling the truth. Now we’re getting somewhere.

‘You hate Kenny’s house.’ Kyle tilts his head challengingly.

‘I don’t hate Kenny’s house.’

‘You do. You said it was such a dump even the rats consider it a health hazard.’

Cartman’s mouth opens and shuts as he struggles to come up with a response, or maybe just with admitting that he likes Kenny’s house. Christ, I wish the guys were taping this. I’m beginning to think that Kyle might actually get a confession out of him.

Then he stills, his mouth falling open again before he lean back slowly, mirroring Kyle.

‘You think I did it.’ He says, his eyes narrowing.

‘No. I..’

‘You do. You think I did it.’ He shakes his head, a disbelieving smile twisting his lips.

‘Don’t be an asshole.’ Kyle bites out, leaning forward.

‘No Kyle, you’re the asshole here.’ Cartman says, leaning forward to meet him. ‘You wanna know what we were doing there, Jewboy? Fine. Kenny was stashing something for me. I know you clean every inch of that goddamn flat, not even Anne Frank could hide in there.’

‘Cartman!’ Kyle warns, snarling.

‘And I went with him to his house to get it.’ Cartman ploughs on, gaining steam. ‘Because today is our anniversary since you’ve fucking forgotten. And I was gonna propose. Kenny was hiding the fucking ring for me.’ He finishes triumphantly at Kyle’s horrified expression.

‘We’re done here.’ Cartman turns to bark at Young, who moves forward to uncuff him from the table leg.

‘Fuck you Kyle. Seriously, fuck you.’ Cartman says. His last parting shot as he’s led from the room.

The door closes behind them with a bang.

I remember to close my mouth. It dropped open mid-rant. I never in a million years would’ve guessed that was how it went down.

Kyle is frozen next to me. He’s staring straight ahead and just when I think I might have to go and get a shock blanket or at least some strong brandy, he comes back to himself, bowing his head and blinking rapidly.

He doesn’t speak on the way out. I sign us out and reclaim our effects. When we get to the car park I go to the driver’s door but he waves me away. We make the trip in silence. I don’t have to ask where we’re going.

We pull up in front of Kenny’s dilapidated residence. I say residence because I don’t think what I’m seeing qualifies as a house. Half the titles are missing from the roof and the paintwork has peeled off the walls in strips. The screen door lies in the overgrown front yard that’s littered with broken bottles and tyres (always tyres, where do they get them from?). The police ‘do not cross’ tape flutters in the wind, barring entry. They’ve combed the house and taken all the evidence away but the area is still technically a crime scene and Kenny’s family have been shipped off to housing until further notice. I make a mental note to call Karen as soon as we get home, I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.

I follow Kyle across the yard and around the back of the property, picking our way through the junk as we go. He climbs over the broken railing and up onto the porch, pulling aside a bathtub to reveal the back door. It’s not locked, there wouldn’t be much point since the screen door is in tatters. The interior frame is webbed with more police tape and Kyle ducks under it and steps into the kitchen. I peer over his shoulder and swallow at the grisly sight before us.

Blood is splattered up the walls and on almost every surface. No wonder Cartman’s clothes were covered in it. There must be pints here and I understand now why this is a murder investigation even without a body. There is no way anyone could have survived this.

A bottle of tequila lies on its side next to the remnants of a blender. Its contents leaving a trail of sticky residue down the kitchen cabinets. Glass litters the floor, glinting among the rusty stains that are streaked with scuff marks.

‘Looks like there was a fight.’ I offer. Kyle ignores me, picking his way across the room. He picks up the tequila bottle and rights it. I want to tell him not to touch anything but I don’t think it would go down too well at this moment. Instead, I watch curiously as he looks around the room, finally stooping to pick up something on the floor, wedged in the rubbish piled up around the overflowing bin.

He looks down at the little blue velvet box in his hand with the strangest expression on his face. I honestly can’t tell if he’s happy or upset to find it.

He pockets it before I have a chance to ask, stalking past me and back outside. I give him a moment, taking my time replacing the police tape and the bathtub in front of the door, and by the time I re-join him in leaning against the car, he’s collected himself.

‘Where to now?’ I ask.

‘I need to visit the library.’ He answers, pushing himself off the car and moving around to get in the driver’s side.

‘Ok. Library it is.’ I agree, getting in the car. I hate to admit it, but if Cartman wasn’t lying about the ring, what else wasn’t he lying about? I shake my head against the doubts forming. No. It’s just too mental. Still, if Kyle has picked up on some kind of lead, I wanna be along for the ride. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this shit show, no matter what.

The public library is just the same as I remember from school, only older and mustier.

‘Mary.’ Kyle greets the bespectacled women behind the desk. Librarians always look to me like they’re one second away from smashing your head in with an encyclopaedia and using your entrails as a bookmark. This one has the same vulture like look.

‘Why hello Kyle. What can we do you for today?’ She asks in a sickly sweet voice.

‘Access to the newspaper archive room please.’

She hands him a swipe card and he thanks her. Just as he’s turning away she adds.

‘I was so sorry to hear about Eric, but like I was saying to Judy yesterday, we all knew it would happen one day. You’re much better off without him, dear. You can find yourself a nice boy, one who’s less of a bad egg.’ She finishes with what I imagine she thinks is a comforting smile.

‘Yes, thank you.’ I step in and drag Kyle away before the latter can verbally rip her to shreds and get our keycard revoked.

He yanks his arm out of my grip as soon as the door closes behind us but doesn’t comment, so I take it that him breathing like a locomotive going uphill is a symptom of his frustration as a whole and not an indication that he’s about to jam that keycard down my throat.

He picks up the heavy tome off the wooden shelf by the door, skimming through the index pages before moving over to one of the many filing cabinets that line the walls. He pulls open the corresponding draw and retrieves a film reel. I move forward curiously, I don’t think I’ve seen one of those since I was a kid.

There’s partitions lining the opposite wall, encasing four individual viewing projectors. He winds the reel around the cylinders and threads it through the machine, turning on the projection lamp as he pulls up a chair in front of the screen and sits down. I roll a chair over next to him so I can see too.

He uses what looks like a joystick to flick through the negatives that are now enlarged on the screen, stopping every now and again before scrolling on quickly. After a while, the rolling pages start to make me feel faintly sick.

‘What are we looking for?’ I murmur, more to distract myself than anything.

‘Beginning of November, 2010. I can’t remember the exact date.’

‘What happened in November 13 years ago?’ I ask, wracking my brain to remember any significance attached to that date.

‘This.’ Kyle answers, coming to rest on a newspaper heading.

GIANT MONSTER DESTROYS DOWNTOWN… AGAIN

Underneath is a black and white photo of the monster, a tiny round Cartman perched on its back against a backdrop of a swirling vortex. My former classmates are banded together at the bottom of the picture. They look so young in their home made super hero get up. I forget they were just children when all of this shit started.

‘Cartman said that after he banished us to the other dimension, Kenny told him he’d been there before. I remember the dimension but I don’t remember Kenny being with us. But he must have been, he’s right there in the photo.’ Kyle frowns. Sure enough, Kenny’s caped form is right there with the rest of the group.

I lean forward. That is curious.

‘It was a long time ago.’ I offer, sitting back. Of course I remember the giant squid monster thing rampaging around the town but I didn’t actually know the others had been involved. Not that that comes as a surprise at all.

‘Yeh…’ Kyle sounds unconvinced but continues nonetheless. ‘Look, what if Eric’s right and Kenny is in this other dimension or something?’

‘Didn’t he say he always came back?’

‘Yeh but what if he’s trapped or something? Like that year he disappeared? Eric’s right, I don’t remember where Kenny was, just that he wasn’t there. How can that be?’ Kyle frowns at the tiny Kenny on the screen, peering at him as though willing him to tell him his secrets.

‘Lots of crazy stuff happened to you guys, I’m sure it all just got mixed up. Kyle…’ I try as he opens his mouth to argue, ‘I know you feel bad about Cartman but…’ The image of the blood splattered kitchen wavers before my eyes and I shake my head helplessly.

‘Craig, you just said it yourself. So much has happened to us, why should this be any harder to believe?’ Kyle protests. I have no answer to that. I wish it was true, really I do. But coming back from the dead over and over again but no one ever remembers? That just seems like a leap of faith too far.

Kyle prints off a copy of the newspaper article and shuts off the machine. While I return the reel, he disappears off into the library proper and we leave with an armful of books on the occult.

I open the door for him to deposit them into the car. He stops for a moment, pulling the newspaper copy out of his pocket and smoothing it out.

‘I’ve just remembered something.’ He says, gazing at the photo. ‘From when we were kids.’ I move forward, listening intently. ‘Kenny told us his superpower was that he couldn’t die.’ Kyle said, raising his eyes to meet mine. ‘We didn’t believe him.’ The pain that fills his eyes is so sincere, I make up my mind instantly.

‘Let’s go home and see what we can find in those books.’ I say, placing one hand on his shoulder.

He nods, folding the paper carefully and placing it back in his pocket.

 -----

The words swim in front of me and I blink hard trying to get them to stay in some semblance of order. It’s my first day back on the job and I probably shouldn’t have spent half the night before pouring over book after book on the occult with Kyle. By 2am we hadn’t found any reference to the Cthulhu curse and I was forced to leave him to it. When I left that morning he was asleep on the sofa, one hand still marking the place in the heavy book on his chest.

I rub my eyes, wishing with all my heart for one of Tweek’s coffee concoctions. Movement catches my eye at the front of the office as a cop walks in and looks around expectantly. He’s not one of ours. I recognise the uniform as Denver PD; the guy even has the stupid hat on. I scoff inwardly; I can’t see his face properly but from the clipboard he’s carrying and his self-important air, he’s obviously a jobsworth. Coppin intercepts him thankfully and leads him off in the direction of the cells.

15 mins of shoddy grammar and crossings out, I know it’s no good. I have to talk to him. I get up and make my way down to the cell that holds Cartman. Only to find it empty.

I look around stupidly as if the fat fuck might be hiding in one of the corners.

‘Peters, where’s number 4?’ I call out to the cop on duty.

Peters pokes his head around the corridor. ‘Eric Cartman? You just missed him. Denver PD came to collect him. Fucking bullshit if you ask me. I don’t know where they get off coming down here and taking over like we can’t handle it.’ He continues on his rant but I’ve stopped listening. A wave of cold washes over me.

I push past him, pelting down the corridors and bursting out of the station just in time to hear the screech of tyres and glimpse Cartman’s middle finger as they peel out of the car park.

‘Fuck!’ I shout. Echoing the mantra in my head.

‘Is there a problem?’ Peters huffs, jogging up behind me.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m gonna KILL Kyle!

‘No. No problem.’ I say eventually, forcing myself to put on a calm air. ‘I just really wanted to question him.’ I can’t tell them yet. It would create a whole shit storm of trouble, not to mention put me under suspicion. I need to find Cartman and Kyle and sort this out myself.

‘Ah, well that’s politics for ya.’ Peters says sympathetically.

‘Why did you release him to them?’ I interrupt before he can start up his rant again.

Peters looks faintly surprised. ‘It was on the system and he had all the paperwork with him.’

I really am gonna kill Kyle. Rick rolling homophobic hate sights for a laugh is one thing but hacking federal systems? He could go to jail!

‘Hey, let it go son.’ Peters says, misinterpreting my renewed irritation and placing a hand on my shoulder. ‘It isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. You’ll get your turn.’

I nod, not trusting myself to speak and he claps my shoulder once more. I take a deep breath before following him back inside to start the search for one wayward Jew and his fugitive boyfriend.


	4. Chapter 4

I beg off work citing a family emergency and race back to the flat, hoping in vain that they’ll be there. They’re not of course. That would be too easy. Only Tweek is home and I relate my afternoon to him whilst pacing up and down the kitchen floor. He listens to me rant whilst making us both a strong cup of coffee.

‘Jesus Christ!’ Tweek exclaims as I’ve finish and I agree wholeheartedly.

‘Kyle must have found something in those books.’ I surmise.

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know but whatever it was, it was enough for him to take the risk of breaking out Cartman.’ I say.

For all their dubious dealings, I know that Kyle, unlike Cartman, is mostly law abiding. If he wasn’t, there’s no way we could be friends. He has a strong grasp of the law from his father and can usually circumvent any rules that get in their way. If he ever does step over the line, it’s usually out of necessity… or desperation. I’m not sure exactly which applies here, both in all likelihood.

I sigh, sinking down into a chair at the kitchen table and scowling. ‘I just can’t believe he did that without telling me.’

‘He probably didn’t want to get you involved.’ Tweek offers, putting the steaming mug down in front of me with a shaking hand and joining me at the table.

‘I’m already fucking involved! They’re my friends. I live with them. Do they think the Chief is just going to ignore that?’ Another possibility occurs to me that makes me feel faintly sick; that as someone who knows them well, I’m going to be asked by the force to help bring my friends in. Could I live with that? Putting both my friends behind bars? Cartman sure, but Kyle….?

‘I need to find them and talk to them. Before they make this worse.’ I say decisively.

Tweek nods, ‘We’ll find them don’tworry.’ He says, putting his hand over mine and offering me a small smile. ‘They can’t have gotten far.’

I squeeze his hand back, appreciating the gesture but as a cop, knowing the futility of his words. Cartman and Kyle are geniuses with a head start and insider knowledge of the system. They could out run and out think me ten times over and that was if I even knew where to start the search. From Tweek’s frown, I guess he’s thinking the same thing.

‘Stan would know.’ Tweek says abruptly, the conviction in his voice belied by the slight shake. I blink at him fighting the urge to haul him in my arms and kiss him. My boyfriend is a genius.

I tell him as much and allow myself a little smile at his blush as I’m dialling Stan. He answers on the 5th ring.

‘Hey dude, what’s up?’

I’m not surprised at his slightly suspicious tone. We don’t talk and that’s the way we both like it. I’ve never really got on with him. Blasphemous I know, not to adore the Captain of the football team and all round great guy that was Stan Marsh at high school. But to be honest I just think that made me dislike him even more, and we tend to restrict our communications nowadays to those involving Kyle.

‘Kyle bust Cartman out of jail.’ I tell him, not bothering with small talk.

‘Jesus Christ, what’s the asshole done now?’ The exasperation is evident in his voice and I know that if I could see him, he’d be pinching his nose in the same way he’s done since we were kids. A more worrying thought occurs though. That in all the drama, no one has actually told him about Kenny.

I find this hard to believe. Kyle and Stan still talk more than is probably normal for two friends, much to Cartman’s annoyance. But I guess Kyle never really thought Kenny was dead and so probably wanted to get to the bottom of everything before upsetting Stan.

‘Kenny’s missing.’ I say carefully. I feel like a dick but the last thing I want is Stan getting so upset that he’s no use to me.

‘Kenny goes missing all the time.’ Stan scoffs. My eyebrows rise, I was not expecting that. One point to Cartman.

‘Well, now Kyle and Cartman are missing too and I really need to find them before they get into serious trouble. Do you know where they could have gone?’

Stan pauses and I know he’s weighing up ratting on his friends against saving Kyle from himself.

‘Look Marsh, you know I wouldn’t be ringing unless it was really bad. Cartman is going down and as things are, he’s gonna take Kyle down with him. Do you want to see your best friend in jail or what?’ I demand harshly. Dickish I know but it does the trick.

‘Fuck. Ok, Kyle is gonna kill me but there’s this cabin up in the hills that we set up years ago. We used to go there when shit got too hot in South Park. No one knows about it but us. If they’ve gone to ground, that’s where they’ll be.’

‘Ok.’ I nod, taking down the directions as he gives them. ‘Ok, thanks.’

I’m about to ring off when Stan’s voice rises again.

‘Craig? Look, I know you don’t like dealing with this shit so thanks, I guess? I’d come back but Wendy has her finals this week… but if the shit really hits the fan then call me yeh?’

I grit my teeth. See this is why Stan pisses me off. I swear he sees me as his replacement… his substandard replacement who could never deal with this stuff like when he was part of the gang. Well fuck that. I don’t like this shit. I would kill for a quiet life where the worst thing that me and Tweek had to worry about was running out of coffee in the morning, but this is South Park and these are our friends. Me and Tweek could have gotten out years ago but we stuck around because of them. I’m not gonna bail on them now.

After the call I take the time to grab some supplies, noting grimly that the cupboards have already been pretty much cleaned out. The two rucksacks that usually sit by the door are gone too.

I guess a couple of years ago, Cartman and Kyle got sick of being caught out by the craziness and started putting together a pack with everything they might need in any given situation. There’s survival stuff in there like water bottles, protein bars, a swiss army knife, first aid kits, radios, torches and flints, and slightly odder stuff like gas masks, snorkels and climbing gear. If they’ve taken their gear then it means they’re serious and my stomach clenches with equal parts hope and trepidation.

‘You got everything?’ I call to Tweek. He appears in the hallway dressed in combats I didn’t know he owned, a too big jumper and snow boots. His expression is determined but the rattle of his back pack as he puts it on gives away his shaking hands.

‘Hey,’ I catch him as he passes me, ignoring his flinch. ‘You don’t have to come. You could wait here and see if they come back?’

Tweek gives me a look that shows me just what he thinks of that idea and ducks under my arm to head for the door.

We get the bus as close as we can and then walk the rest of the way, using our torches to keep to the trail when dusk comes and the light starts to fade. The only sound as we make our way through the forest is the crunch of our boots in the snow. It’s so quiet up here, so far away from the town. I suppose any other time I would call it peaceful, but right now my mind is too preoccupied with the reception that awaits us.

I consider sneaking up on them so they don’t have time to run but in the end we approach the cabin from the front. I don’t want to give the impression we’re a threat.

The cabin is deserted but its lights are on. Me and Tweek exchange a look, they’re around here someplace…

In the end we don’t have to look far as they find us.

Cartman appears from behind the building, coming to a stop in front of us and raising his hands in surrender.

‘Fuck that hippie.’ He says disgustedly.

I had a whole speech planned to get him on side but at the sight of him my anger gets the better of me and the words erupt before I can stop them.

‘Cartman, what the fuck were you thinking? When the station work out what’s happened, you’ll have every cop from here to Denver looking for you!’

‘Pffh,’ Cartman scoffs, ‘those fuckers couldn’t work out where we are unless someone draws an x on a map for them in crayon. Why are you here, Tucker?’ He asks accusingly.

‘I’m not here for you asshole, I’m here for Kyle.’ I retort. As if I’d be here to help him after all the trouble he’s caused. Jesus his ego could re-float the Titanic.

Of course, he takes the meaning of my words completely the wrong way and before I can blink I’m staring down the barrel of a hand gun.

My reflexes kick in and I’ve drawn my own weapon before Tweek can even shriek.

‘Leave Kyle out of this. You want him, you’ll have to come through me.’ Cartman informs me steadily.

Oh please. I only just refrain from rolling my eyes. I’m just about to tell him what an idiot he’s being when a voice from my right startles me.

‘Drop it, Craig.’

My head whips to the side to see Kyle stood uncomfortably close. He’s still in the police issue trousers and shirt, although he’s removed the hat revealing the wild red curls that are so distinctive. The sight of my friend playing dress up would be funny if not for the shot gun currently levelled at my chest.

‘What the fuck, Kyle?’ I say, hurt beyond belief that my best friend is currently pointing a gun at me.

Before I even have time to wonder where he and Cartman got the weapons from, let alone how Kyle snuck up on me, Tweek is stepping between us.

‘Leave him alone, Kyle!’ He shouts, fists clenched and voice unnaturally high and I’m hit with a rush of affection so strong it almost knocks me off my feet.

‘I will once he drops it. Move out of the way, Tweek,’ Kyle responds, exasperatedly.

‘I’m not here as a cop.’ I interject before things can get out of hand.

‘And that’s why you brought your gun and your radio.’ Cartman scoffs. ‘Did you bring your hand cuffs too?’

‘I brought my gun and my radio because according to you, Kenny’s being kept captive in some parallel dimension and I thought they might come in useful.’ I deadpan.

‘You mean you believe me?’ Cartman asks, voice coloured with surprise as he very slightly lowers his weapon. If I were actually here to bring him back in, right now is when I’d take advantage of the lapse and shoot. Kyle has realised that even if Cartman hasn’t and I can feel his eyes carefully watching my every move.

‘No. But I believe in Kyle,’ I say with conviction, ‘and I trust him.’ I add slightly vindictively.

My guilt trip works. I see Kyle waver and decide to cut him a break. I pluck my radio off my belt and throw it to the ground before clicking the safety on my gun and flipping it over to hand out to Kyle. He takes it with one hand and stuffs it in the back of his trousers before lowering his own gun and hanging it over his arm like he does this every god damn day.

I look pointedly over to Cartman whose gun is still trained on me. Kyle shoots him a warning look and I breathe a sigh of relief as he grudgingly holsters it.

‘Where did you get the weapons?’ I ask to break the awkward silence.

‘The cabin is pretty stocked.’ Kyle answers, motioning for us to follow him as he trudges over and up the steps.

It’s blisteringly warm inside after the biting mountain air and within a few moments Tweek’s cheeks are rosy red. As expected Kyle and Cartman’s rucksacks are by the door, next to, of all things, two brightly coloured Supersoakers. They are somewhat overshadowed however by the adjacent open trunk that contains an array of weapons that I don’t look too closely at, lest I have to actually have to go back on my word and arrest them. There are four bunks, two on each side of the small room with a wood burner in between and if we were here under better circumstances, I’d almost say it was quite homely.

That is if it wasn’t for the fucking great pentagram marked out on the floor.

‘Do I want to know?’ I ask, eyeing the candles flickering at each of the points. I always thought this sort of stuff was only done in bad horror movies. There’s a little pile of money right in the centre of the star – 3 dollar bills and a 50 cents. I blink at the randomness of it all, briefly wondering if I’m dreaming. But no, when I open my eyes I’m still here.

‘We’re gonna try and contact Kenny.’ Kyle says shortly. Dropping down on the floor outside of the markings.

‘Yeh so sit down and shut up or shut up and get out. Either works for me. This is some serious shit, Tucker, not for newbs.’ Cartman adds, pointedly.

I’m about to retort when Tweek sinks to the floor, drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. He looks up at me imploringly and I sigh in defeat, sitting down next to him.

‘Ok,’ Cartman says, clapping his hands together like a magician about to perform a great trick. ‘Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.’ He makes a big show of placing himself in the centre of the markings with the money just in front of him, crossing his legs and placing his hands palm down on his knees.

Kyle rolls his eyes. ‘Enough with the dramatics. Can we get on with this please?’

I couldn’t agree more. I’m feeling oddly eager in spite of my scepticism. If this works, it means Kenny’s really alive… that’s worth putting up with Cartman’s theatrics a hundred times over.

Kyle incants some words in some random language from the open book in front of him and Cartman closes his eyes. The room is silent as we all wait to see what happens.

A good few minutes pass and the only thing that’s changed in the room is the conversion of oxygen to carbon dioxide. Cartman cracks an eye open to look at Kyle.

‘Are you sure you’re reading that right, Jew?’

‘Yes I’m sure.’ Kyle snaps and my heart starts to sink. Stupid as it may be, I was really hoping this would work.

‘Well gee, maybe Kenny is out or something then. We should just leave a message and I’m sure he’ll get back to us later.’ Cartman says sarcastically.

‘Fuck off, Cartman!’ Kyle says, desperately flicking through the pages of the book. ‘I’m trying to…’

I never find out what Kyle was trying to do because it’s at that moment that all the candles flicker as one.

I stiffen as Tweek gasps beside me. In the centre of the pentagram Cartman has closed his eyes again but gone is the peaceful expression. This time his eyes are squeezed shut, his hands balled into tight fists on his jeans. He shakes his head, once, twice, his arms jumping in spasm before he takes a huge gasping breath, his eyes flying open.

‘Kenny?’ Kyle calls, his voice wavering slightly.

‘Kyle?’ Cartman but not Cartman chokes out. We all sit up to attention as Cartman twitches again fiercely. If he’s faking that’s some good fucking acting. ‘Fuck, dude, where are you? I can barely see.’

‘Kenny. I’m here. Where are you?’

‘I’m stuck.’ Cartman coughs and Kenny’s voice becomes stronger. ‘Dude, look this is crazy but…’

‘We know Kenny, its fine. We haven’t got long. Where are you stuck?’ Kyle interrupts. Cartman’s eyes widen.

‘Fuck. I’m sorry.’

‘What for?’ Kyle asks in surprise.

‘For everything I guess. For dying? For putting you through this? I dunno.’

Kyle shakes his head and when he speaks his voice is thick with emotion. ‘Christ dude, we’re the ones who should be sorry. I can’t believe we didn’t know. But… we’re coming for you. Just… stay where you are. What does it look like?’

‘There was a cave in. I’m fine but I can’t get out. Listen, don’t…’ Cartman’s chest heaves, his breath coming in gasps around his words. ‘It’s not safe.’

‘What isn’t? Kenny?!’ Kyle’s voice rises in pitch as Cartman takes one final gasp and collapses to the floor, twitching. The candles go out as one, plunging us into darkness and leaving the flickering wood burner as our only light. Tweek shrieks once and then again as I grab his hand, my heart pounding in my chest.

‘Fuck!’ Kyle shouts. Leaping forward to calm his thrashing boyfriend. After a few minutes it seems to work and Cartman relaxes in his arms.

‘You guy’s ok?’ Kyle calls over and I manage a nod before he’s distracted by Cartman groaning.

‘Kyle?’ He croaks.

‘Take it easy.’ Kyle sooths as Cartman attempts to sit up, heaving himself onto one elbow.

‘Did it work?’ He asks.

‘Yeh. It did.’ Kyle says, a slow smile lighting up his features. ‘Kenny’s alive.’

‘Told you.’ Cartman taunts before dropping back down to the floor with another groan. Kyle’s grin widens as he follows him down with a kiss.

It takes a full moment for that news to sink it. Kenny’s alive. Fuck. I can’t believe they did it. Kenny’s alive!

I turn to Tweek to find his face split into a grin and I have the insane urge to laugh.

Kenny’s alive! And we’re gonna go get him and bring him home.

‘So what’s the plan?’ I ask.

‘We’re not doing anything tonight.’ Kyle says and sensing I’m about to object, ploughs on. ‘We need to prepare the ceremony and Eric is fucked. We know Kenny is ok for now. We’ll get some rest and go over to the McCormicks at first light.’

Much as my mind is screaming at me to go get Kenny back now! I know that Kyle is right. Cartman looks like shit and me and Tweek know nothing about the other dimension or how to get to Kenny even if we did. It makes sense to wait until we’re all up to speed and at our best.

‘The McCormicks?’ I query instead.

‘It’s where Kenny died so we figured it would be the best place to cross and start looking.’ Kyle explains and I nod.

Kyle stands, holding out his hand to Cartman who accepts and heaves himself up to sitting.

‘I am gonna kick Kenny in the nuts when I see him.’ Cartman gripes, scooting back to lean against one of the bunks.

The atmosphere is lighter now. The blanket of grief and frustration that had settled over the group has been firmly whipped away. The relief is almost tangible and in its place there’s excitement and a slight trepidation. After all, we’ve still got to retrieve Kenny from the other dimension.

If I was with anyone else, this would scare the shit out of me but we’re with the two best paranormal investigators in all of the US. Not just that that but Kyle has actually _been_ to this dimension before. For the first time since this whole mess began I’m actually beginning to feel that everything might just work out ok.

Kyle heats up some cans of sausage and beans that we eat with toast done on the log burner and the conversation during the meal could almost be called normal. It’s only afterwards when Kyle and Cartman stand that I start to get ancy again.

‘Whereareyougoing?’ Tweek beats me to the question, looking up in alarm.

‘It’s fine, we’re just gonna take a walk.’ Kyle answers with a smile, pulling on his jacket. ‘We’re not running away, scouts honour.’

‘Yeh and that’s Jew scouts so you know they’re good on their word.’ Cartman says and I can’t tell if it was a compliment or not. ‘I’ve been locked in a cell for a week, I wanna go enjoy my freedom. The air in my lungs, the wind in my hair…’

‘They get the picture, dude.’ Kyle deadpans.

‘Ok.’ Me and Tweek agree but that doesn’t stop us peering out the window after they’ve left. It does seem like they are just walking though. They meander down the slope towards the frozen lake and it’s only when Cartman catches hold of Kyle’s hand that I realise that they haven’t had a quiet moment to be alone together since all this began. They settle down on the end of wooden jetty, dangling their feet over the edge and as Kyle leans his head on Cartman’s shoulder I decide to leave them to their reunion. 

I turn to find Tweek gazing up at me, the firelight dancing in his sky blue eyes and it hits me that they’re not the only ones who’ve been granted some alone time.

I’m not sure if it’s the stress of the week or Kenny being alive after we thought we’d lost him bringing my own mortality into stark relief but when our mouths crash together, I know exactly what Cartman was talking about by life affirming. I want, no _need_ to feel Tweek’s heartbeat next to my own, the warmth of his skin under my hands.

He moans in agreement and I blush as I realise I’ve said the last bit out loud. It only seems to spur him on though and we fall back on the bed in a tangle of limbs, his mouth never leaving mine. He makes quick work of the buttons on my shirt and it’s only then that I realise that his hands aren’t shaking.

Within minutes we’re both topless with our trousers and underwear shoved down to our knees, hands finally finding the one place we’ve been craving for what feels like forever. Tweek makes a strangled sound as I wrap my fingers around his cock, dipping his head to pant into my shoulder. He thrusts erratically into my hand and it takes a moment to coax him into a rhythm. His hand is still resting on my dick and I can’t stop a whimper of frustration as my hips roll trying to find some friction for my aching cock. The noise drags Tweek out of his own haze of pleasure to move his hand and soon he’s matching his movements to my own. It feels incredible and I’m rocketing towards the edge a lot faster than I anticipated. He twists his hand over the head of my dick and we both gasp as the action makes my cock brush against his. He does it again but our skin is too dry and I draw back my hand to spit on it, running it over both our cocks and smearing the precome over them as best I can. When we move again my head tips back in utter bliss as our cocks slide over each other. We’re thrusting against each other now with our hands still between our bodies, creating a tunnel to fuck in to. My mouth finds his in a frantic kiss that’s messy and hard and so, so hot, and it isn’t long until my head tips back again and I come with his name on my lips. I’m so dazed by the force of it that I almost miss seeing his face as it crunches up. He bites his lip as I feel his seed joining mine between us and I can’t help leaning forward to sooth the abused mouth. He returns my kiss sweetly before dropping down on top of me.

‘Urgh.’ He exclaims, drawing his hand away from the mess between our two bodies and I can’t help a laugh. He looks up at me in surprise, a smile slowly spreading over his face before we’re both giggling.

We clean up and lay there together content and basking in the flickering light of the fire. Even Tweek’s twitching has died down as we’re both lulled into sleep by the warm post orgasmic haze.

What felt like minutes later but in reality was probably only an hour or so, we’re rudely jolted awaken by the crash of the door as Cartman and Kyle burst through.

‘Argh!’ Tweek shrieks, jerking up and almost kneeing me in the stomach.

‘What the fuck?’ I demand. ‘Seriously, what the fuck are you guys doing?’ I repeat when they both ignore me and continue gathering up the books and candles, throwing them into the rucksacks.

‘KYLE!’ I bellow and he finally meets my eyes.

‘The cops are on their way.’ He answers shortly and I’m shocked to hear my police radio clipped on Cartman’s belt crackle with orders to that effect. Christ. Why didn’t he just fucking say so? Me and Tweek leap out of bed, dragging on our clothes and collecting our stuff just as Cartman and Kyle finish up, grabbing the two super soakers on their way out the door.

Me and Tweek race after them as they throw their stuff into the boot of Kyle’s car. Now that we’re outside I can hear the sirens cutting through the night air.

Kyle and Cartman jump in the car, slamming the doors behind them and me and Tweek scramble to follow, diving into the backseat.

‘Fuck no! Get out Tucker.’ Cartman turns around to snarl.

‘What? No!’ I object, in disbelief.

‘Howdidtheyfindus?’ Tweek cries, as the sirens get louder.

‘Erm, your fucking douchbag of a boyfriend led them here. Get out Tucker, before I fucking throw you out.’

‘How the fuck did I do that, asshole?’ I shoot back, ignoring Cartman’s threat. ‘You’ve had my fucking radio!’

‘They've been keeping tabs on you, Craig. It was in Cartman's police records when I hacked them. Probably hoping you'd slip up and help us.’ Kyle says, meeting my eyes apologetically in the rear view mirror.

‘Gah! Everyone shut the fuck up and drive!’ Tweek yells suddenly, clutching at his hair.

‘Buckle up, bitches!’ Cartman shouts as Kyle floors it, the tyres kicking up snow before the car shoots off, just as the blaring lights of the first police car round the corner on the track.

I roll the window down and pitch my mobile out just as Tweek screams ‘Get down!’, pushing my head out of the sight of the cops. I’m grateful for the foresight despite the cramped position. I might be able to convince my Superior that I was tracking down the fugitives but I don’t fancy having to explain why I’m involved in the get away of two wanted criminals.

Kyle swings the car round, skidding sideways around the cop cars and speeding off down the track back to the main highway. The car bounces over every stone and pot hole; Kyle fighting the wheel to keep the vehicle on the road, but I know my colleagues and they aren’t going to be put off so easily. We reach the highway with the police hot on our tail, the speedo rocketing up to over 100 now that we’re on smooth road. I peer up out the window just in time to see the sign for South Park shoot by in a blur.

We race down the main high street, running red light after red light, dodging cars and drunk pedestrians alike. Kyle feigns left then swings around to the right and Cartman lets out a whoop. Kyle flashes him a grin as he pulls a hand brake turn, spinning the car round and throwing it into gear to drive straight at the police car following. His plan of chicken works and the car swerves out the way at the last minute, leaving us clear to speed off in the opposite direction.

‘Was that Sergeant Jennings?’ Kyle asks.

‘I think so.’ Cartman says, craning round to get a look at the cops they just scared the shit out of.

‘Shit, I owe him a drink after that.’ And they both burst into laughter. They’re having the time of their lives whilst Tweek clutches the door handle beside me and I try not to hurl over the interior.

‘You’re even more crazy than he is!’ I huff, glaring at Kyle.

‘Finally! Someone fucking realises!’ Cartman crows, throwing his hands up in the air.

We skid into a side road that I’ve never even noticed and it strikes me that Kyle and Cartman must know every single street in this town to be able to navigate it so well. The thought staggers me but I guess it isn’t that surprising. They probably made it their business to know, given that I know for a fact this isn’t their first high speed chase. Hell, I’m usually the one doing the chasing.

Kyle slams on the brakes, bringing the car to a stop.

‘Everyone out!’ He shouts.

Cartman throws open the door and is hauling the bags out into the alley before I’ve even managed to stumble out. Tweek practically throws himself out of the car. I’m not sure I’ll ever get him in one again.

‘Got everything?’ Kyle asks as Cartman finishes unloading and moves round to the driver’s window.

The sirens are getting louder again and Kyle reaches through the open window to drag Cartman down for a quick kiss before flooring it again with a parting shout.

‘I’ll meet you at the house!’

‘Whereshegoing?’ Tweek manages to get out through panicked breaths.

‘He’s gonna lead the cops off, buy us some time.’ Cartman says, swinging the Supersoakers over his shoulder.

‘Be a dear and grab those bags would ya?’ He smirks and walks off without even waiting for an answer, like the asshole he is.

‘Are you ok?’ I ask Tweek and he nods rapidly, already picking up one of the rucksacks which rattles oddly. I grab the other and start after Cartman.

The other end of the alley brings us out over the tracks in the more run down part of South Park and it isn’t until the house is in sight that I realise we’re at Kenny’s.

We go round the back, entering the same way me and Kyle did only yesterday, although it seems a lot longer a go. Cartman stalks through the gory scene of the kitchen without so much as a glance around and even though I’ve seen it before, I have to remind myself again that Kenny is alive. Tweek keeps his eyes down and I steer him straight into the living room. Looking round at the moth-eaten furniture and stained walls, it’s only marginally less depressing.

‘Will we be safe here?’ Tweeks asks, dumping his bag on the floor to wring his hands in his sweater.

Cartman shrugs.

‘So what happens now?’ I ask him as he starts to unpack one of the bags.

‘We wait for Kyle and then go in. We can’t afford to wait until morning now the cops are onto us but they won’t be able to find us once we cross over to the other dimension.’

I nod, helping him to chalk the pentagram on the floor and set up the candles. We’re just finishing as there’s a noise from the back of the house. Cartman draws his gun but soon lowers it as a familiar mop of red curls pops round the door frame.

‘Don’t shoot, Cartman.’ Kyle says, stepping through.

‘Aw but your head would look so pretty mounted on my wall.’ Cartman flutters his eyelashes innocently and Kyle snorts. I blink none-plussed. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to their weird brand of flirting.

‘How did you get here so fast?’ I ask.

‘I dumped my car and borrowed a truck.’ Kyle says, running his hand through his hair and looking uncomfortable.

‘Tut, tut. See Craig? You thought I was the criminal but the truth is coming out now.’ Cartman says gleefully.

‘It’s Randy’s.’ Kyle snaps defensively. ‘It was at Skeeters bar, he won’t even notice it’s gone until tomorrow. I’ll get it back to him before then.’

‘Stan gonna kill you.’ Cartman sing songs.

‘Yeh well, Stan shouldn’t have grassed us up.’ Kyle scowls and I can’t help but feel slightly guilty..

‘Shouldn’t we begoing?’ Tweek interrupts. 

‘All set.’ Cartman confirms. The set up is pretty much identical to the one earlier complete with candles flickering at each point, except there are more strange markings around the edges of the pentagram and in the centre is a large candle surrounded by a small moat of brightly coloured cereal. Once again, I’m not gonna ask.

Cartman slings a pack over his shoulder and I copy, pulling out my gun and checking the cartridges before looking over at Cartman and Kyle and expecting them to do the same. Instead they’re checking over the supersoakers.

‘You’re not seriously taking those?’ I ask, incredulously.

‘Yeh stop fffucking about.’ Tweek adds, scowling.

‘Er, this little beauty is going to save your life. So can it.’ Cartman retorts.

I look to Kyle in the hope I’ll get some sense out of him at least.

‘Kenny said something about danger. We know that there’s monsters in there and this is the only weakness they have that we know of.’

‘Why, what’s in there?’ I ask curiously and in lieu of an answer Kyle calls ‘Hey Cartman!’, takes aim and squeezes the trigger. A rainbow of sugar coated cereal bursts out of the nozzle and Cartman ducks slightly to catch it in his mouth, grinning at me as he chews.

‘Mint Berry Crunch cereal.’ Kyle says as if that’s an explanation, then continues at my blank stare.

‘Back when we were kids we didn’t actually drive the monster back, this kid Bradley did. Remember him, from school?’ Kyle asks and I shake my head. ‘Anyway yeh, he banished Cthulhu back to the other dimension… using this.’

‘A childrens cereal?’ I deadpan and Kyle shrugs.

‘Eh, it’s not the weirdest thing we’ve come across by a long shot.’

‘But it is the tastiest.’ Cartman buts in, firing his own super soaker directly into his mouth.

‘Don’t eat it all, Fatass.’ Kyle chastises. ‘Here.’ He turns and tosses me a cereal box. ‘Put this in your pack.’

I obediently stow my ‘weapon’ in my bag whilst ignoring the little voice in my head shrieking we’re all gonna die.

‘You ready?’ Cartman asks and Kyle nods. ‘One of you virgins gonna do the honours?’ He gestures to me and Tweek with a smirk.

Me and Tweek both glare at him with matching burning cheeks and Kyle intervenes.

‘Oh for fucks sake, Cartman. Give it here.’ He says, grabbing the knife himself and slitting open his palm. He tips his hand over the nearest candle, letting the blood trickle down.

As the red droplets hit the flame it ignites. An echoing flare bursts around the pentagram and Tweek leaps back instinctively, almost knocking me to the ground.

‘Come on, what are we waiting for?’ Cartman says impatiently.

‘Tweek, you mind staying here and making sure the portal doesn’t close?’ Kyle asks.

‘I dunno. That’s a lot of pressure!’ Tweek says, pulling at his hair.

‘Hey. You just gotta keep the fires burning. Like when we went camping.’ I say. He nods determinedly, surging up for a quick kiss.

‘Jews first.’ Cartman gestures to the portal and Kyle shoots him a death glare.

I look back one last time at Tweek and he gives me a wobbly smile, before I turn and follow Kyle and Cartman, stepping into the pentagram and out of this world.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s the starkness that hits me first. Gone are the peeling walls and stained furniture and instead, the world in front of me is barren, rocks like jagged teeth protruding from the hard, sandy ground under a never ending blue sky. The sun beats down on us relentlessly and within a couple of minutes I’m sweating.

Out front, Kyle and Cartman have taken out those ridiculous super soakers and are sweeping the area. They find nothing and motion for me to follow them, beginning our trek through the endless desert.

‘Kenny said he was stuck in a cave in so we’ll head for those cliffs first and expand our search from there.’ Comes Kyle’s clipped directions.

‘Christ. This could take forever. You remember any of this, Jew?’

‘Vaguely.’ Kyle answers Cartman, looking around. ‘We came in the other side of the ravine I think.’ He points over to our left where the ground abruptly ends, plunging down into a raging river below. ‘Thanks again for that by the way.’

Most people would feel somewhat guilty after banishing their friends to another dimension but Cartman just grins. ‘All part of the master plan. If I hadn’t have done it, you wouldn’t know where you’re going now.’

Kyle rolls his eyes and we trudge on.

‘This is a bit different from a bender in heaven, Cartman.’ I deadpan, stumbling over the uneven ground.

‘Hey! It’s not my fault Kenny got his dumb ass eaten by a fucking hell hound. If anything I’m the victim here! I witness the traumatic sight of my best friend getting torn to pieces and instead of sympathy, I get thrown in jail.’

‘A hell hound?’ I echo incredulously as Kyle growls ‘I thought you weren’t there Cartman?’

‘I may have been more there than not…’

‘You lied to me.’ Kyle snaps.

‘No I told the police I wasn’t there, I never told _you_ that.’ Cartman counters, fluttering his eyelashes in what he believes is an innocent way.

‘You said you didn’t know anything about it!’

‘Look, I wasn’t even in the room. Kenny screamed, I ran in just in time to see him get torn apart. The Beast lunged. So I legged it.’

‘You left him?’ I say in disgust.

‘Hey, Kenny is the one who can’t die! Not me.’

I shake my head. ‘Can we just rewind for a second to the part about the hell hound?’

Cartman shrugs. ‘You know old Dr Mephesto’s lab? Well its back up and running. They say they’re doing research but the reports started coming in around then and it wouldn’t be the first time someone’s fucked about with DNA in this town. They’re pretty tight lipped, you can’t even get close to the perimeter but there’s been a few sightings, few animal attacks but no humans.’

‘Apart from Kenny.’ I remind him, slowing my delivery down as if I’m talking to an idiot. Which I am.

Cartman raises an eyebrow at me. ‘Oh yeah? Gonna report Kenny as a victim are you? You see how well that goes down with your Super when Kenny walks in there safe and sound.’

I hate the fact that I have no response to that, and the fact that he’s right even more.

‘Like I said,’ Cartman continues in that insufferable way of his, ‘by morning no one will even remember he was dead.’

‘Even us?’ I query.

‘I always remember,’ Cartman scoffs, ‘fuck knows about you guys.’

‘I think there’s a good chance we will.’ Kyle says slowly as he thinks it over. ‘If we’re basing the fact that Cartman remembers on his exposure to the curse, then the fact that we were all there for the ritual might mean we don’t forget. The book says things like blood are more binding but hopefully this will be enough. I don’t want to forget.’ He adds softly, his eyes sad, and I silently agree. The thought of waking up tomorrow and not remember any of this is hard enough to come to terms with, but the thought of only Kenny remembering? That’s just too horrible a thought to contemplate.

We fall into silence as we march on and it doesn’t take as long as I thought it would for the open planes to constrict into a valley between two rocky outcrops. We’ve only been making our way down the winding path for about 10 minutes or so when Kyle shouts, breaking into a jog.

The valley up ahead is blocked by a large land slide. Kyle skids to a stop in front of it, me and Cartman bringing up the rear.

‘Kenny?’ Kyle calls.

No answer.

He’s about to call again but cringes instead when Cartman yells ‘OI! POOR BOY!’

‘Cartman!’ Kyle snaps but I’m saved from their bickering by a muffled sound coming from the rock pile.

‘Kenny?!’ Kyle says again, louder this time.

The answering voice is so distinctly Kenny that I feel my face break into a grin.

Cartman, Kyle and Kenny are having a conversation through the debris. It’s a good job they we’re so used to deciphering Kenny’s muffled speech as kids as I can’t tell what the fuck he’s saying.

We get to clearing the rocks, moving them one by one as quickly as possible so not to bring the whole pile down on top of Kenny. But between the 3 of us and sheer determination, we make quick work of it and soon we’re tugged a grubby, tired but grinning Kenny from the hole.

I stand to one side watching Kyle and Cartman being crushed by Kenny’s hug. I’m not really one for big displays and feel kind’ve awkward when Kenny turns to me.

‘Craig dude! I can’t believe these two actually dragged you along.’ He laughs.

‘I can’t either.’ I deadpan but I don’t hold back my smile as I’m bestowed with my own Kenny bear hug.

The whole thing is so unbelievably easy in the end that I can’t help asking. ‘What did you mean before? That it wasn’t safe?’

At that moment the ground shakes with an ear splitting roar and Kenny goes white.

‘That.’ He says backing slowly away from the other end of the valley, at the same time that Cartman yells, ‘RUN!’

We all obey without a second thought, feet pounding over the rough terrain as the monster rounds the corner behind us. I call it a monster because if there ever was a creature worthy of the title, it would be this thing. It’s huge. Like, Tyrannosaurus Rex huge, if a Tyrannosaurus mated with a Stegosaurus… and was purple. Its back is covered with hexagonal plating that forms some kind of armour, not that it needs it with claws as long as my forearm on arms and teeth like giant razors, dripping a sludgy green saliva.

It’s fast too, gaining on us as we sprint back the way we came. It finally catches up to us just as we exit the valley and we’re forced to turn and fight before its completely on top of us.

Kyle and Cartman fire on it with their super soakers and I willingly take back every scathing thought about those beautiful objects when the monster is driven backwards by the raining cereal.

One of its feet steps on the loose kernels that litter the floor and it howls in pain. Kyle and Cartman share a look of triumph before leaping into action, using the super soakers to start constructing a line of brightly coloured cereal.

The rest of us non geniuses are a bit slower on the uptake but me and Kenny soon catch on.

I grab the box of from my bag and join Kyle and Cartman in creating the semi circular ring. The thought enters my head that if the monster wasn’t backed up against the cliffside, we wouldn’t have anywhere near enough cereal to do this. I push the image and what would happen next out of my mind. There’s only so much room for debilitating terror in there as it is.

The monster is cut off on two sides, at the back by rock and to the side by the ravine where Kyle is working. Cartman has taken the middle and me the left.

I narrowly avoid a swipe by the beast’s tail and Kenny grabs its attention, yelling obscenities to keep it distracted whilst the rest of us finish our task. Kenny is completely unarmed, waving his arms while ducking this way and that and my respect for Kenny increases tenfold. I kind’ve already knew he was brave, but frankly, I’m surprised his pants fit with balls that big.

The monster’s roars increase in intensity as it becomes more and more frustrated with the shrinking area around it. It lunges forward to snap at its captors, sharp teeth missing Kenny by a hairs breadth. A hiss of pain from his huge jaws assures us that the plan is working and none too soon too.

‘I’m out!’ Cartman shouts and Kyle soon echoes him, leaving me as the only one left with any ‘ammo’. There’s just one last bit to join the half circle together where Kyle is standing. He gestures at me wildly to throw him the box. Now I was never top of gym, or on any sports team at all for that matter in high school, but determination and fear can do amazing things and I pitch that mothefucker as hard as I can towards him. He lunges forward, completely focused on the box and in hindsight that’s why he didn’t see it coming.

He catches the box one handed and I feel a brief flash of triumph before the beast’s tail erupts out of Kyle’s chest.

Blood spatters on the floor, mixing with the brightly coloured kernels that tip from the box in some sort of obscene rainbow.

The sound that Cartman makes as Kyle drops to his knees will haunt me to my dying day.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Kenny struggling to hold Cartman back and I couldn’t have moved to help if I tried.

I stand there, frozen in horror as the monsters mouth opens in a wide parody of a grin and the thing lifts Kyle off the floor, drawing him up and over the line to face height like a smore on a skewer.

There’s a beat where Kyle and the creature stare each other out and I’m sure I’m about to watch my friend be eaten alive in front of me, before Kyle’s arm jerks upward, thrusting the contents of the still held box of cereal direct in the monsters face. The monster howls, rearing back and whipping its tail frantically and Kyle is shaken loose, plummeting over the edge of the ravine and into the swirling water below.

Cartman wrenches himself free and me and Kenny follow, leaving the blinded, flailing monster behind as we charge along the ravine edge, frantically searching the churning river for any sign of our friend.

When we catch up to him, I already know we’re too late.

The ravine slopes slowly downward to a small inlet, and there lying at the lapping water’s edge is my best friend’s body. He could have been sleeping if it wasn’t for the gaping wound in his chest, the water having washed away all traces of blood.

Cartman drops to his knees there in the water at Kyle’s side. The sound he makes is like a cross between and sob and a moan as he leans over Kyle’s body, his hand hovering over his boyfriend’s chest.

‘No, you don’t get to do this to me, not again Kyle. Please.’ Cartman’s pleading break’s down into full blown sobs as Kenny wades right out there to him, wrapping his arms around Cartman from behind, tears running down his face.

My heart breaks at the sight and just when I thought the pain couldn’t get any worse, I notice the glinting on my friend’s finger. Christ, Kyle was wearing Cartman’s ring. When did that even _happen_? The pain surges anew as I realise I’ll never get the chance to ask my friend.

This isn’t fair. We’ve just found Kenny again and now we’ve lost Kyle. It isn’t _fair._

And how the fuck am I going to tell Tweek? My heart clenches again at the thought of his eyes filling with tears. I close my eyes, unable to take the sight any longer.

A roar in the distance is like a slap in the face, reminding us that this is not the place to linger.

‘We have to go.’ Kenny’s red rimmed eyes meet mine and I nod in agreement.

‘Cartman…’ Kenny prompts gently when he gets no response. He straightens and lays his hand on Cartman’s arm, only for it to be wrenched off with a snarl.

‘If you think I’m fucking leaving him Kenny, you can go fuck yourself!’

‘I didn’t mean…’ Kenny holds up hands hands, backing off in the face of Cartman’s explosion.

‘This is all your fucking fault! We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you, you piece of goddamn white trash!’

I watch Kenny crumple under the onslaught, Cartman’s barbs hitting home and as much as I know Cartman is hurting right now, I also know I have to intervene before Kenny start taking this shit to heart.

‘Cartman.’ I wade out there, shouting over the tirade.

‘Cartman!’

‘ERIC!’

Both Cartman and Kenny’s heads whip towards me in shock at the sound of Cartman’s Christian name.

‘Kyle came here to save Kenny.’ I say and I feel myself trembling with the effort of keeping my voice steady. ‘And I don’t think he’d want his best friend and his fiancé tearing into each other over him.’ I hold up my hand as Cartman opens his mouth to protest. ‘We need to get Kyle home before that thing,’ and I point back up the ravine to drive my point home, ‘comes back. You can have it out then.’

I get two nods and I reach down to help heft Kyle onto our shoulders but am stopped by Cartman.

‘I got him, Craig.’

I nod wearily, wading my way back up the bank to where Kenny is waiting, Cartman following, carrying Kyle in his arms.

We trudge slowly uphill back to the spot where we came in and never once did it cross my mind that we’d be returning as a funeral precession. We walk in silence but inside my head I’m screaming. How did this even happen? Curses and monsters and fucking hell hounds. What the fuck is wrong with South Park? This isn’t the first time I’ve had this thought, but it’s the first time I’ve thought it with such venom.

‘We’re gonna get them, Cartman.’ I say abruptly, my voice piercing the silence.

‘What?’ Cartman looks up from where he was buried deep in his own thoughts and from the haunted look in his eyes, I’d say they were as tortured as mine.

‘The fuckers who started this off. The lab people.’ I answer.

Cartman snorts. ‘I don’t need your help, Tucker.’ He says darkly.

‘I’m aware.’ I agree just as darkly. ‘But you have it all the same.’

He looks at me sharply and I hold his gaze as his eyes search mine before nodding his head in acceptance. It feels like a vow and something like relief washes over me, the feeling of hopelessness receding ever so slightly. I might not be able to help my friend now, but by god I can avenge his death.

The thought tides me over until the glowing ring of the portal is in sight. I offer to help Cartman take Kyle through but he shakes his head and we line up around the edge, Cartman with Kyle on my left and a still silent, pale Kenny on my right.

As one, we step back through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you're out for my blood, can I just reassure everyone that the tags say TEMPORARY character death. Kyle is my favourite character and it hurt me to do this to him!


	6. Chapter 6

We burst back into our world, diving face first into the carpet. The candles flare around us before rescinding down to ash, plunging the room into darkness. The only sound in the suddenly still air is our heavy breathing.

‘Is everyone alright?’ I call, my voice barely a croak. I hear a click in the darkness and Tweek’s pale face is illuminated by the lantern light.

‘Fuck, it actually missed me.’ Kenny huffs a laugh that’s devoid of humour, sitting up and pulling his singed hair round to his face to get a look at the smoking ends. ‘First time for everything.’

‘Maybe the curse is giving you a break.’ I answer, fuck knows Kenny deserves one.

‘OhJesus! What happened? Where’s Kyle?’ Tweek screws up his face, shaking his head like a terrier. I swallow, meeting his worried eyes. I don’t know how to tell him…

The world tips and I fight down my own wave of dizziness, no doubt a residual effect of the portal.

I blink, the sight of my boyfriend’s face coming back into sharp focus.

He blinks too for a moment then moves forward to pull me in tight.

‘You did it!’ He sobs.

I can’t help but laugh in relief. Kenny throws his arms around us both, joining our group hug. Only Cartman remains on the ground, his face still buried in the threadbare carpet. He slowly pulls hauls himself onto his hands and knees.

‘Kyle?!’ He shouts suddenly, looking round wildly.

We all halt our celebration to look at him.

‘Cartman?’ I ask tentatively. Cartman continues sweeping the floor like a man possessed and Tweek shrinks into my side.

‘He was right here!’ He shouts, gesturing violently to the ground.

‘Who dude?’ Kenny asks, in a calm voice. At least he has experience dealing with Cartman when he’s going off on one. God, I wish Kyle were here.

‘Kyle. You assholes! Where is he?’ Cartman demands, looking at us as if we’re the ones who’ve gone mad.

‘Hopefully back at the flat by now.’ I offer placatingly. The idea of a panicked Cartman is a bit of an alien concept but he does look worried.

‘Yeh, Kyle’s smart. He’ll have gonestraighttotheflat when we split up in the alley.’ Tweek adds.

‘The alley.’ Cartman repeats blankly. He stills, eyes narrowing like when you’ve said something incriminating but you don’t quite know what. Tweek raises his chin shakily to stare him out and after a beat he whirls away, throwing open the front door and taking off towards the truck.

‘Cartman! What the fuck?’ Kenny shouts. I run after both of them, realising as Cartman slams the truck door that he intends to drive off without us.

‘Cartman!’ Kenny yells but it’s no use. He’s gone in a flurry of dust and screeching tyres.

‘Gah! Whatarewegonnado?!’ Tweek cries.

‘Come on.’ I sigh, picking up my backpack. ‘The flat isn’t far. We’ll come back for rest of the stuff in the morning.’

The other two grumble their agreement.

Cartman is such an asshole.

\------

By the time we make it home, the sun has painted the sky a vibrant orange over the mountain tops and I would be able to appreciate its beauty if I wasn’t fighting to keep my eyes open.

I use Tweek’s phone to call the station, letting them know that Kenny has been found and that I would be in for a debrief this afternoon. I think the Chief bought my bullshit about following a lead but only time will tell. Kenny says he’ll back me up in any case and I can’t help but return his hug when he throws his arms around me as we leave. Whatever happens its worth it to have him back.

‘Later dudes.’ He says with a grin, tipping an imaginary hat to us before dialling his sister to reveal his miraculous comeback.

I don’t even have the energy to be pissed off when I pass the living room where Cartman and Kyle are passed out on the couch. They look sickeningly comfy, laid out together. Cartman’s arm is wrapped possessively around Kyle as he snores into his curls and I can just see his other hand entwined with Kyle’s under the faded blue blanket.

I consider going over there and whacking them with a pillow but I simply cannot be assed. I’m about to leave to go to my room when I see green eyes blinking at me.

‘Hey dude, we did it!’ I tell Kyle in a hushed whisper.

‘That’s great Craig.’ He offers me a smile that seems kind’ve strained but I put it down to him not being there for the big rescue. That’s gotta be a bit galling to someone as pro-active as Kyle.

‘Thanks for leading the cops off, we couldn’t have done it if you hadn’t have bought us some time.’ I add, in an attempt to make him feel a bit better. Helps that it’s true of course.

‘Yeh no worries. I’m just glad Kenny’s back and everyone’s ok.’ Kyle answers, his face doing that spasm thing again and we fall into a silence that’s oddly awkward, both casting round for something to say.

‘Tweek’s in the shower?’ He asks finally and I nod. ‘I’ll jump in after him then.’

‘Cool. Dibs after you. If you use all the hot water, you’re a deadman.’ I warn him jokingly, in an attempt to break the weird atmosphere.

It seems to work anyway as he huffs a laugh, shaking his head.

‘Fuck off and make like a tree, Craig.’

I smirk and flip him the bird, before retiring to my bedroom to wait for Tweek. I think after everything we’ve been through tonight, this definitely calls for some life affirming sex.


	7. Epilogue

Kyle’s POV

The water churns around me, rushing over my head and battering my body. I gasp for air, choking and clawing and fighting to the surface…

I blink, clearing my eyes and the white foam fades into the white of the ceiling. I look around in a daze, my mind desperately trying to process exactly how I got here. The last thing I remember was falling in the…

I leap up, scrambling off the bed, _my bed_ , as I make my way shakily to the mirror and stand in front of it, ripping off my t-shirt to reveal the unblemished skin underneath.

I drop the shirt to the floor and my hands start to tremble. Now this is the part where normal people would freak out but I’m nothing if not stubborn. I fight to keep a grip on myself, biting down a noise on both fists that would make Tweek proud.

‘KYLE!’

The front door slams and I almost leap out of my skin. It’s followed almost immediately by running footsteps.

‘Kyle! Are you here? Please be here…’ I not sure if it’s the panic in Eric’s voice feeding mine or my own projecting on him but in under a second I’ve crossed the room to the bedroom door. I’ve barely got it open before I’m engulfed in 6ft 2 of solid Cartman.

‘Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Kyle.’ Eric is whispering into my hair. He sounds about as wrecked as I feel. I wrap my arms around him and hug back tightly, breathing in the heady scent that I thought I’d never smell again.

I lean back to grasp Eric’s face in my palms, kissing him hard then diving back in to bury my face in his neck. We stay there a while, him rocking me slowly as I listen to our heartbeats sync and finally slow.

I move my hands back up to cup his face again. He freezes and I know he’s noticed the ring on my finger. I step back, pulling the band off with shaking hands and holding it out to him.

‘Hey, you’re not gonna be an ungrateful Jew and give that back to me are ya?’ Eric jokes, his voice wavering slightly.

‘This changes everything.’ I whisper, motioning again for him to take the ring back. As much as it breaks my heart to say it, it’s true. I can’t put him through this again, I can’t, I won’t… but I know I won’t have any choice.

‘It changes nothing.’ Eric says fiercely, grabbing the tops of my arms. His icy blue eyes burn into mine before he pulls me in tight again.

‘We’ll work it out, we always do.’ He says into my hair, his voice muffled by my curls.

I bring up my arms to clutch back, closing my eyes as I smile in relief, the ring gripped tightly in my fist.

Yeh, we always do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck me it's finished. Thanks so much to anyone who's still reading and especially AkashaKushrenada and Addendum who've stuck with it from the beginning!


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